


My Sister's Keepsake

by Lady_Eglantine



Series: Ellana Lavellan [5]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-12
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-10-03 00:29:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 43,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10231469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Eglantine/pseuds/Lady_Eglantine
Summary: A trip to Emprise du Lion brings with it a surprise visit from a member of the Inquisitor’s clan, and the search for something dear to the Inquisitor.Rated M for language.





	1. -1-

**Author's Note:**

> Many, many thanks to thievinghippo for all the wonderful beta work! :D

**-1-**

She woke to the sound of boots crunching in the snow outside their tent. After lying awake for a few moments, thoughts of deciding over the morning’s tasks and their upcoming journey back to Skyhold already entering her mind, Ellana realized she wasn't going back to sleep anytime soon. She decided to take the opportunity to do meditation before the rest of the camp awoke for the day.

Ellana propped herself up, catching a glimpse of Blackwall sound asleep beside her. She had to resist the urge to run her hand over his face, trace the peaceful lines that she rarely saw, especially lately, as she did not wish to wake him. She’d have to be mindful getting up. It usually didn’t take much rustling to disturb him. Creators knew he needed the sleep. They had all earned it after the prior day's battle with Imshael.

She threw on her sleeveless coat, already being dressed. It was too cold out to do otherwise. And Ellana never slept without some type of clothing on while at camp, same as she had with her clan. She did not want to be scrambling to put on clothing in an emergency in the middle of the night.

"'t time to get up?"

She turned back at the barely awake grumble from Blackwall, letting go of the ties to the tent. She really thought she’d been quiet enough.

"Not yet. Go back to sleep, vhenan."

He shifted onto his back, eyes slightly cracking open. "Should too. Too bloody cold out."

She got down on her knees beside him, now able to stroke along the hair at his temple and the side of his face without fear of waking him. "Just going to meditate for a bit. You can enjoy having the blanket all to yourself."

He rumbled in contentment when she lightly scratched under his chin. "Even warmer with you in it."

She couldn't resist giving him a brief kiss before standing back up. "I won't be long."

She finished undoing the ties and exited the tent, the cold striking her the moment she stepped outside, spotting the peeking sunrise off in the horizon. She glanced over to the side, noticing the two Inquisition soldiers milling about nearby around the base of the Tower of Bone. One stood at attention when she noticed Ellana, the other quickly following suit. Ellana nodded in their direction before heading back around the tents to the ramps. She couldn't help glimpsing over at the sad, crumbling ruins of the houses over the bridge, and the red lyrium growing in between them. She once again wondered if the people made it out in time or where they ended up. If they were still wandering, searching for a new place to live. She hoped with Orlais's civil war officially over, some measure of peace and healing would be restored to the people. At least once Corypheus and his army of red templars were dealt with, too.

Ellana found a secluded spot under the bare tree, brushing off snow from one of the rocks. She crossed her legs as she sat down, pressing her coat against her as a breeze came through. But Ellana wouldn’t let the cold distract her.

More than a few days had passed since she had taken the time to do her complete meditation routine, and she definitely noticed the difference. Dealing with the aftermath of the Winter Palace ball and looking into Corypheus's next move had left her with little room to think about much else. If it weren't for others reminding her, she probably would’ve forgotten about eating while at Skyhold. She had to do better, with keeping herself from being spread too thin and with doing meditations. Even in the first days at Haven, she had been sure to keep to some kind of regiment. It had helped to calm her nerves and keep her even-headed as she tried to make sense of what had happened and what she had gotten herself roped into.

Ellana began as she always did, taking measured breaths, focusing on slowly breathing in and out. The cold air was rough on her lungs, preventing her from inhaling as deeply as usual. Once her breathing felt under control, she conjured up a small ball of light. She focused her gaze on the ball, on the glow at the center of the orb, blocking out any noise around her, the faint whistling of the wind through the trees, the crunch of boots on the snowy ground, the buzz of soft voices above. Her other hand drifted to her pocket, retrieving the circular wooden halla token inside and pressing it against her thigh.

Her gaze remained on the ball of light, her whole consciousness focused on it, letting go of thoughts that already wanted back in her head, about the day ahead, about Corypheus, about the Inquisition, about whether Leliana or Cassandra should become the next Divine.

 _It is Sylaise who gave us fire...it is Sylaise who showed us how to heal._ The words rang in her head, familiar words since first recited to her years ago, offering Ellana a precious connection to her People she did not want to lose amidst being Herald and Inquisitor. _It is Sylaise who showed us how to spin the fibers of plants into thread and rope._

Her hand curled closed and her ball of light disappeared. She fell into a peaceful lull, repeating those words over and over in her mind. Her eyes closed as her thumb ran along the rough edge of the token, the indentation of the halla carved into it. _It is Sylaise who gave us fire...it is Sylaise who showed us how to heal._

A memory began to form in her mind, one Ellana allowed herself to pull her into. That of an elven girl, about twelve years of age, twirling around and dancing in slow motion, a wide smile on her face, her braided copper hair swinging along with her. She practically glided over to grab the hands of another elven girl, reluctant to join in, but did so only at the other's insistence. At her younger sister's insistence.

Her fifteen year old self spun around with Bri, her mind focused on the memory of their hypnotic twirling as they danced around the fire, to the music Marelwyn played on her lute and Neras on his drum.

She swayed to the rhythm of the drum and lute alongside the images of her younger self and of her sister dancing. Bri then let go, spinning around, as if endlessly lost in the music. But in a split second, she lost her footing in a rare moment of clumsiness and she started falling back towards the ground.

Ellana focused in on Bri’s face, the surprise morphing into shock and fear as the surroundings around them blurred, the sound of rushing water and snapping wood overheard in the background. She felt herself reaching out to Bri, but there was nothing more that she could do, except watch her plummet, falling into the dark abyss.

Ellana quickly pulled herself out of the vision, breathing heavily, rapidly blinking it away. She didn’t need to think about that, imagine what happened for the umpteenth time.

She attempted to continue meditating, but she was unable to shake imaging her sister falling. All it did was agitate her, cause her to tense up and clench her jaw at the vision still stubbornly clinging to her, unwilling to let go. With a defeated, aggravated sigh, she hopped off the rock, heading back to camp. She pushed against the tide of emotion, of guilt and self-loathing, wanting to rise within her, intent on crawling under the blanket with Blackwall for just awhile longer, hoping that would be enough to banish the image and the feelings which came with it.

* * *

_She knew the Keeper expected her to complete her daily meditation, but she was unable to pull herself away from watching her sister. Bri was training with Camlen, sparring together. Ellana stood off to the side, catching the shade of a nearby tree. For mid-Drakonis, it was a bit warm out in the afternoon sun._

_Even though she was hopeless at it herself, Ellana appreciated watching the skillful way which Bri moved to dodge and parry, eventually ending the match with an almost graceful twirl to disarm Camlen. She'd sometimes work in a quick session before a hunt, helped to get the blood flowing and her muscles limber, she once told Ellana. In case she'd find herself having to outrun whatever it was she hunted._

_Sometimes it was still hard to believe her little sister had already been a full-fledged hunter for three years. That at nineteen Bri’d already established herself as a valued hunter, on her way to achieving senior rank. She knew Bri had worked hard for it, and Ellana couldn’t be more proud of her._

_Ellana watched Bri help Camlen up, subtly holding his hand out after she let go of it and turned around. Or what Camlen thought was subtle. The gesture did not escape Ellana's notice. Not when she had seen similar ones before; not when she’d caught his longing glances towards Bri when he thought no one was the wiser._

_He wiped away sweat from his brow, running his hand over his dark blue Mythal vallaslin design and dark brown hair. He must have noticed her staring, as he then turned his gaze on Ellana, his features turning sour. She rolled her eyes in response, deciding it was time to head to the tent she shared with Bri._

_Once back, she set herself down on the ground, cross-legged. She started with focusing on her breathing, but her ears caught the rustling of the tent flaps behind her. And continued to catch noise of Bri busy getting herself ready to go out on her hunt. It would have been easier if she could have gone further into the forest to do it instead of at camp, but the Keeper wanted her to do it there. Something about learning how to block out all noise, all distraction. But the Keeper had no idea how distracting Bri could be, especially when she was in a hurry._

_"Elgar'nan, Bri, please. I have to do my meditations," Ellana chided, turning to her younger sister, who was loudly shuffling through her chest._

_"I'll be done in a moment. You know I can't go on a hunt without my token," Bri said, tossing a rag behind her._

_Ellana sighed. "You've misplaced it again?"_

_She remembered the first time Bri had shown the token off to her, the pride on Bri’s face at finally carving a halla onto a disc that didn’t have stubby legs or a disproportionate head. For the value Bri placed on it, the luck she believed it brought on hunts, Ellana would’ve thought Bri’d keep better track of it. It was a minor miracle Bri had managed to hold onto it for the past six years._

_"I haven't misplaced it. It's just not where I thought it was. There's a difference."_

_Realizing she couldn’t focus on meditating until Bri found her token, Ellana pushed herself up and headed towards Bri's bedroll._

_"When's the last time you saw it?" Ellana asked, lifting up the bedroll, scanning underneath._

_"Last night before bed. I thought I had taken it ...ah, there it...no, that's not it." Bri further shifted the contents of her chest. "Fenedhis, where are you?"_

_"You might have to go without it. Camlen won't wait around forever."_

_"No, he will. He understands," Bri said simply, as if there was no doubt._

_"I think you're one of the few he would," Ellana replied, setting the bedroll back down._

_"Why wouldn't he? He's my best friend."_

_"I think there's more to it than that."_

_Bri then closed the chest, meeting Ellana's gaze, understanding filling her hazel eyes. "I keep telling you there's not."_

_"You don't notice the way he looks at you?"_

_"He looks at me the same way he has since we were children." Bri spun around, heading towards the entrance of their tent. "Maybe it fell out outside."_

_Ellana followed her, staying by the entrance watching Bri get on her hands and knees, scanning the ground nearby. She wished she could get Bri to see what she saw. Ellana had no idea when (or whether) Camlen would tell Bri how he felt, and she’d rather Bri be prepared for it. She’d have to figure out another way to convince Bri, but it would have to wait when Ellana didn’t have her meditation to do and Bri wasn’t entirely focused on finding her token._

_Bri's face lit up in victory as her hand clenched around the circular wooden halla token she had been searching for, right by an aravel wheel. "Aha! Can't get away from me that easily!" She put the token in her pocket, patting the outside of it. "How in Creators did it get out here?"_

_She then shrugged it off, going back inside to retrieve her bow, arrows, and knives. Ellana followed her, watching Bri ready herself, unable to help the concern brewing inside as it did every time Bri went out on a hunt._

_"Make sure to come back before dark, alright?"_

_"I know. This isn't my first hunt, Ellana," Bri said, slinging her bag of arrows over her shoulder, a hint of annoyance in her voice._

_It hadn't the first hunt for their father either when he had been mortally wounded by a bear he had been tracking. As good as Ellana knew Bri was, accidents could happen to even the best. She wouldn't lose Bri the same way. She couldn't. Not with Father and Mam gone too. But she held off from saying any of that for once, tempering herself slightly. "Just be careful out there."_

_Bri gave her a brief hug as if to placate Ellana. "You worry too much. I'll be fine."_

_Bri then finished strapping on her belt and retrieved her bow. On her way out, she gave Ellana another hug goodbye, with a “Be back soon” over her shoulder, pushing back the flap of the tent to meet up with Camlen for their hunt._

_Sighing, Ellana went to her original spot and sat back down. Nothing to do now but attempt to do her meditations again before she met with the Keeper._


	2. -2-

**-2-**

Blackwall thought their last morning in Emprise du Lion would be a quieter one.

They weren’t set to ride out until early afternoon, so Ellana originally planned for him, Dorian, Sera, and herself to take on some simple tasks. Such as searching around the mines to check they didn’t miss anyone else imprisoned or overlook any clues about Samson that would be of interest to Cullen, as well as searching for a ring an elderly woman in Sahrnia had lost.

Instead, one of the scouts tipped them off about an abandoned Warden outpost nearby. Upon hearing that, Ellana decided to head first to Valeska’s Watch, seeing value in searching it for any Warden artifacts that could be of use (which Blackwall agreed with). But the outpost turned out to be not so abandoned, filled to the brim with darkspawn. At least they found another artifact for their efforts, even if they were more worn down for it.

They took the artifact to the camp, giving them a chance to collect themselves and a quick meal of dried meat. By the time they finished, it was approaching mid-day and beginning to lightly snow, yet Ellana still had them search the mines and for the ring. Blackwall understood checking the mines. The Inquisition needed all the information it could get on Samson, and they couldn’t leave anyone imprisoned at the mercy of the red templars. But Blackwall wasn’t sure their time and energy were well-placed spending it looking for one ring. He had sympathy for the elderly woman, everything she lost, but that was the plight of so many others, too many to count. Priorities had to be made.

Ellana was still insistent, regardless, even stating her intent to have people on the lookout for it after their unsuccessful search. Blackwall couldn’t begrudge Ellana wanting to do what she could to help the woman. It was in her nature, to care about people and want to help with their problems, no matter how small they may seem. And he loved her for it.

On their journey back down to the main camp, they were met by an Inquisition scout returning to the Tower of Bone. Reports had come in that more red templars were gathering at the far end of the frozen river. They appeared to be heading towards Sahrnia, which was barely holding together. Though Blackwall knew Ellana could have easily ordered for Inquisition soldiers in the area to take care of them, a smaller group would have a better chance of catching them off guard than a group of soldiers marching towards them.

Thankfully it was nowhere near the number they faced the day before, but they still put up just as good of a fight. It was frustrating that despite their efforts, a new group of red templars could repopulate the area so quickly. All the more reason to take down Corypheus as soon as possible, leave them scattered and leaderless.

"Another day, yet another merry band of red lyrium templars wreaking havoc," Dorian said as the last templar fell with a final groan.

"Just wish they'd terrorize somewhere warmer, yeah? Freezing my tits off out here!" Sera complained, rubbing up and down her arms.

"That would certainly be a feat worth seeing."

"Piss off, magey. Know you wouldn't. I don't have the right bits."

"Nor I to you. We're a perfect match, it would seem. You alright there, Blackwall?"

Blackwall slowly approached them, keeping himself from visibly grimacing as he gingerly rotated his shoulder. "Nothing that mead can't cure," he said.

"Should have figured as much. Well, if that doesn't work, you can always ask our dear Lady Lavellan. Healing is her specialty, after all."

"I appreciate the vote of confidence, Dorian," Ellana replied with a playful note in her voice. As she turned her attention to collecting the elfroot poking out from the snow, Blackwall couldn’t help checking her over for any signs of injuries. A habit of his that he hadn’t been able to break, ever since the early days when he began to feel something for her. But he spotted none.  

"So we all done here? Head back to camp?" Sera asked, looking ready to bolt then and there.

Ellana stood up, stuffing the elfroot into the small satchel at her hip.

"Still have to stop by Sahrnia, see if there's anything else that needs to be addressed, inform the woman there about her ring. After that, we’ll rest up, get food and supplies and load everything into the wagon before starting out to Skyhold." Blackwall noticed her shiver when another gust of wind came through, snow flurries striking her on the face. "And we could use a break from the cold."

"And we wouldn't want a certain part of Sera's anatomy to undergo any more suffering than necessary."

"Oh, and your bits aren't?" Sera retorted to Dorian. "Got some special smalls keeping you warm? Some magic rubbish?"

"Left them back in Tevinter, sadly. And I've yet to find a pair just as comfortable."

"Wait...you're joking, right?"

"My dear Sera, a mage never tells his secrets, especially ones in regards to his smallclothes."

Blackwall allowed Dorian and Sera to go on ahead, finally allowing the grimace through on his face as he palmed his shoulder. He didn't notice Ellana had stayed in stride beside him until she asked, "Are you alright? You seem in pain."

"I'll be fine. A bloody templar just got the jump on me, landed on my shoulder."

"You think you might've strained it? You took a hit there earlier, too. That can't be good."

He grunted. "I've taken worse hits."

He caught the frown directed at him out of the corner of his eye. He hadn't meant for that to come out so dismissively, but it _was_ true. He had taken worse hits. If the pain did increase, he could find a way to take care of it himself. He didn't want her to spend time worrying about him when she had so much else on her mind.

"Still, I'll take a look at it, put a poultice on it when we stop for the night."

He should have known she wouldn't have let this go that easily. "You don't have..."

"I want to," she said in a way that made it clear he had little choice or say.

He sighed in defeat, not having it in him to fight her further. "Suppose I should know better by now than to argue."

"Glad you realize it, vhenan."  

They quickly caught up with Dorian and Sera, taking the shortcut on the frozen river. Blackwall’s ears perked up at the sound of Sera's amused cry. "Up there. Giant icicle tits. Ice...tittles?"

Blackwall and Ellana looked up at the superimposing archway, covered with giant icicles, including under the breasts of the female statue carved on the left column. He couldn't believe he hadn't noticed this before. But ice tittles? More like...

“You’re looking for titscicles,” he said, which had Ellana shaking her head, covering her face in her hand.

"Oh, that's good." Sera then spun around to face them, walking backwards. "If her tits are frozen too, you'll have your own titscicles to suck on."

Blackwall could only groan while Ellana exclaimed her name, which had Sera cackle in amusement before turning back around. Blackwall made to say something to Ellana, only for his gaze to wander to the area of her breasts, his dirty mind quickly turning over Sera's words and making him wonder how cold they actually were, how they'd feel with his lips over them. Ellana's eyes soon met his, forcing him to look away, trying to push the idea from his mind before any other parts of his body responded to remind him it had been close to a week since they had sex, due to exhaustion and Ellana being up before him. It would have to be something he stowed away, for when they stopped and made camp on their journey back, in their tent, their bodies pressed up against the other for extra warmth...

With Dorian and Sera distracted, he turned back to Ellana, to chance a quick, dirty word murmured into her ear, promises of things to come. But his eyes widened in surprise, hand immediately reaching for his sword as his gaze drifted to her left hand. "My lady. The mark."

She raised it, as if wanting to inspect it for herself, the mark that was spitting out angry bursts of green energy and light.

"Rift!" she yelled, the rift coming into view with passing the giant boulder and expansive left column, positioned right through the archway.

"Rrrgh, frigging demons! Just when we're gonna get warm!" Sera cried, reaching for her bow and an arrow.

For the sake of his shoulder, Blackwall hoped they would only be dealing with wraiths. Some simple stabs, arrows and spells would be enough. Then the rift opened, a pride demon, despair demon and terror demon joining the sides of the four wraiths already hovering there. So much for hoping for an easy fight.

He felt the now familiar sensation of something being draped on him as Ellana cast a magical barrier over them. He was glad Ellana was already planning ahead.

"How wonderful! Almost every sort of demon you could imagine. Why not add a rage demon and fear demon to complete the set?"

"More zappy, less chatty, Dorian!"

Sword and shield in hand, Blackwall made his way towards the pride demon, wanting to keep its attention on him while the others dealt with the wraiths and despair and terror demons. He ignored his shoulder's protest as he raised his shield, his sword arm striking the pride demon's leg. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught Ellana ducking to avoid a zap of magic from the wraith closest to her, firing off a quick round of fire from her staff. Dorian made his way towards him and the pride demon, sending his own blast of fire at its head.

Sera, meanwhile, darted out of the way of one of the terror demons, which she took great joy in taunting. "Come and get me, pisshead!"

"I don't think they understand insults!"

"Not for them!" Sera shouted back to Dorian.

For his part, Blackwall refocused his attention on weakening the pride demon, long enough for Ellana to use the mark. As he rolled out of the way of the pride demon's lightning whip, he caught sight of Ellana again, casting a fire spell at a despair demon, which fell with a final shriek, disintegrating and absorbed into the rift. Then he watched her feet come out from under her, a terror demon hopping out of its hole over her fallen form, and without hesitation, he ran over to her side, footsteps thundering on the ice. He swung his sword at the now frozen terror demon, giving her time to get herself back up. To be her shield, when she needed him to be. As always.

Once Ellana got her bearings and the terror demon was taken care of with another ice spell and thrusts of his sword, that only left two wraiths. And the pride demon, still putting up just as strong a fight and now cackling away, its body pulsing with energy as its guard powered up.

"Now might be a good time to use the mark, Ellana!"

At Dorian's call, Ellana raised her hand, tilting it this way and that to find the angle where the mark would connect with the rift. It took her two tries, one of the wraiths throwing a magical burst their way, but she eventually disrupted the rift with a surge of energy, enough to take out the two remaining wraiths and hold the pride demon in place. Even after the number of times Blackwall’d seen her do it, it still felt like the first time, seeing Ellana close the rift with a mix of awe and fear of the mark’s power.

While Dorian targeted the pride demon, and Blackwall moved to join him, Ellana summoned what she called her spirit blade, a feeling of unease settling in the pit of Blackwall’s stomach, knowing that meant she'd have to get just as close-range as him. Ellana was still getting accustomed to using the spirit blade outside of training. Even with using it the past two days, she was still too hesitant, only striking once with a jerky motion of her arm, then immediately hopping back. And Blackwall had learned the hard way that hesitant moves only served to get yourself hurt, or worse, killed. All the more reason to stay close by her side.

However, with the four of them focused on just the pride demon, he did not have much to worry about. They were able to kill it in short time, only having to duck a ball of electricity being thrown once, with Ellana's spirit blade incredibly useful in damaging its guard.

They got a chance to breathe before the second wave, mercifully less intense, only bringing with it six wraiths and two terror demons.

"Well, I think that was enough excitement for one day, yes?"

Ellana turned to Dorian after finishing closing the rift. "After yesterday, absolutely." Blackwall noted the way she carried herself, as if struggling to hold herself up. From how often he’d seen her close these rifts, he knew how drained the act left her, even if the fatigue was only temporary. "No more surprises."

But no sooner did she say that than a roar could be heard a short distance away, followed by rushing footsteps as three red templars came barreling towards them, a corrupted giant bringing in the rear.

_Fuck me..._

"Are you frigging kidding me? Why'd you jinx it, Quizzy?"

"I didn't mean to!"

Blackwall had no idea where these red templars, or worse the giant, came from without any of them noticing. From the growing throb in his shoulder, Blackwall wasn’t sure how much more his shield arm had in it. He wasn’t sure how much energy the others had either; chancing a look at Ellana, he noted the tremor in her left wrist. But they had gotten through much worse, fought in battles that had seemed endless at Adamant, against that demon Ishmael. They would just have to continue fighting until every last one of these bastards was cut down. Starting with the red templars. If there was one thing he had learned from their time out here, they had to deal with them first so all four of them could focus their attention on taking down the giant.

The archer made the first move, Ellana just barely darting out of the way of the arrow zooming her way. Blackwall felt the burst of cold as her ice spike flew past him in the general direction of the archer. Sparks flew in the air as Blackwall's sword crashed with that of the closest red templar, which Sera helped take out with an arrow right through the slots of his helmet along with a final slice at the head from Blackwall.

"For the new god!"

The third red templar charged over to Sera and Blackwall, but the dead red templar rose from the ice and stood in the other red templar's path. While this kind of magic unnerved him greatly, believing it unnatural and not right to manipulate corpses around like dolls, he wouldn’t overlook an advantage in a fight like this, especially with Ellana trying to handle the red templar archer and Dorian being chased by the giant.

"Hold on, Dorian! The others are almost down!" Ellana yelled.

"What, this, Ellie? This is all part of my elaborate plan to tire it out! And get in a invigorating jog!"

With the undead templar helping Blackwall, they were able to take down the other red templar with a few well-placed strikes of his blade, while Sera helped Ellana to take down the archer in a flurry of arrows. "Eat it! Ate it!"

Their attention could now be solely focused on the giant, which still chased after Dorian. Blackwall noted Ellana went back to her usual long-range support role, casting a fire spell (a favorite of hers) to falter the giant’s steps and give Dorian a breather.

They stood at point, the four of them in a semi-even row, preparing for the inevitable charge towards them.

Sera readied an arrow. "Let's do this, yeah?"

"Outnumbered four to one now. There's only room here for one hairy lummox, blighter, and you've more than overstayed your welcome!"

"I'm right here, mage!" Blackwall growled, none too happy at Dorian's taunt to the giant.

"I'm quite aware of that! Hard to miss the smell!"

The flash of sudden movement from the giant prompted him from giving his retort, which was then followed by a "Aw, shit!" from Sera. They barely had time to separate before the giant landed right where they had been standing from its running leap, with Dorian and Ellana on one side and Blackwall and Sera on the other.

The giant wildly swung its arm in Dorian's and Ellana's direction. Dorian managed to dart out of the way, pulling Ellana along with him, while Blackwall and Sera rolled out of the giant's arm's reach when it spun over to them. With the giant’s red-lyrium encrusted back turned towards Dorian and Ellana, they cast balls of fire and electric flares towards it, which burst on the giant’s skin upon contact. But that did not seem to deter the giant from staying focused on Blackwall and Sera, wildly swinging its arms and stomping its feet. To his frustration, this prevented Blackwall from being able to do more than get in a swipe of his sword, unable to keep the giant’s attention solely focused on him.

Before they could move out of the way, the giant's fist came down, with Blackwall just having enough time to cover himself with his shield. The blow caused Blackwall to fall to his knees and grunt in pain, his arm struggling to keep the shield above himself, only able to keep it partly elevated. He saw the giant's fist coming around for another punch, looking to hit him square on.

Until he felt himself being pulled away, with Sera suddenly in the path of the giant's fist instead. She was almost able to move out of the way, but it wasn't enough for the giant not to catch the edge of her cheek.

He watched helplessly as the force caused Sera to fly and slide across the ice like a rag doll, bow skidding past her. As seconds ticked up and she didn't move. He heard Ellana’s panicked call of Sera’s name and he thought he heard Dorian yell something, but it didn’t register, a mix of emotions building inside him. Anger at the giant, at Sera for risking herself like that when he had the shield and armor to handle such blows, at himself for not keeping his guard up. Guilt at someone else taking the hit instead of him. Fear his Fuzzhead could be seriously hurt.

Ellana needed to get over to Sera, needed to examine her as quickly as possible. But that couldn't happen until they took care of the giant.

With renewed determination, he slashed at the giant’s forearm as it tried to bat him away. He didn’t notice the spells cast by Ellana or Dorian, focused on his task of stabbing the giant, wearing it down until it fell to its knees and Blackwall could move in and deliver more crippling blows.

But the giant had other plans. Even as they tried to keep up the pressure, even as the giant began to seem more sluggish, it could still slam its fists down hard on the ice, still swat violently at them like bothersome flies. Just as Blackwall moved to stab at it again, he was knocked off his feet onto the ice by the swinging of its arm, still managing to hold onto his sword and shield. He felt a reverberation around him while propping himself up, shaking the hit off. He spotted Dorian across from him, flat on his back, struggling to rise. Blackwall couldn’t tell if the giant had managed to injure him or not. Ellana was off to the side, also on the ice, her staff having rolled away from her. She shot a weak ball of fire at the giant, its attention now firmly on her. It struck the giant’s leg; it still let out a sound almost like a laugh at her attempt.

Then Blackwall watched, his body filling with fear, as it leaped over to her and grabbed at her ankles, pulling her towards it. His heart almost stopped when it pinned her to the ice. She kicked and struggling against its grip, but it was not enough to have the giant release its hold on her.

With an enraged roar, Blackwall picked himself up and began darting over to them, just as the giant raised its fist about its head, readying to slam it onto Ellana’s.

Everything seemed to slow to a crawl. Ellana raising her hand in one final attempt to conjure some type of spell, Dorian out of the corner of Blackwall’s eye raising himself up, Blackwall's harsh breathing echoing in his ears, the giant's fist slowly nearing closer and closer to his lady's face.

Then he heard the swoosh of an arrow cut through the air and saw it land right into the giant’s kneecap.

It howled in pain, clutching at its knee when another arrow lodged right into its hand. He dared to breath a sigh of relief as the giant let go of Ellana, but Blackwall knew the danger was not yet over, even with the extra help. He spotted the figure, the person who had come to their aid. At first he thought it was one of the Inquisition soldiers at the nearby camp, but the figure did not bear Inquisition armor. It was a type of armament he recalled seeing somewhere before, but he couldn't place it, at least not when he was more focused on reaching Ellana and the giant.

But just as Blackwall made his approach, he heard Ellana's sharp intake of breath. At first, he thought her hurt, until he noticed her focused in the direction of their mysterious archer, with what he now noticed upon reaching the two, dark blue vallaslin in the shape of tree limbs tattooed on his forehead visible from under his cowl and a pale blue ribbon tied to the lower limb of his oak bow.

"Camlen?"

* * *

_Bri and Camlen were headed her way the same moment she had been coming back from meeting with Keeper Deshanna. Ellana had feared the Keeper would chastise her for not being able to focus enough to do her meditation. Or rather, the Keeper's version of chastising, which really meant the Keeper getting a disappointed look on her face, voice level and barely raised a decibel above normal yet cross enough for it to sting._

_Ellana braced for it, telling the Keeper outright, as the Keeper would know if she lied about it. But the Keeper had not said anything, for which Ellana was thankful. She didn't fancy another lecture about the importance of meditation. She knew the value of it, the greater connection to the pantheon and ways of their People, the clarity in focus and sense of calm it left; she just didn’t wish to be reminded of that every time she failed to complete it._

_Before she reached them, three of the children playing nearby ran up to Bri and Camlen, excitedly asking them if they had encountered any scary animals, if they had to fight any giants. Ellana smiled at the sight, hanging back and allowing Bri and Camlen a moment with them, with Bri assuring them there was nothing they couldn't handle. The children then began to ask in unison when they could watch them shoot their arrows, tugging on both their hands. Once they got an affirmative answer from Camlen they could watch Bri and him practice the next day, they ran off with excited cries to rejoin the others._

_What small smile had been on Camlen's face disappeared once they left, whispering something to Bri that Ellana couldn't catch. She was only able to hear them once they resumed their stroll towards her, with Camlen mumbling disagreeably to Bri, "I still say it was foolish."_

_"Oh, it was fine, Cam. No point in starting something if ..." Bri immediately trailed off, catching sight of Ellana. "Hi, Ellana."_

_Ellana's gaze went from Bri's welcoming one to Camlen's scowling one, "Everything go alright?"_

_"Brought back some rabbits. We were chasing a ram, but we couldn't catch him."_

_Camlen made a disgruntled noise at that. "More like we were beat to it."_

_That caught Ellana's attention. "You encountered someone else? Who?"_

_"There was a human hunting for the ram, too. We crossed paths," Bri said nonchalantly._

_"We shouldn't have talked with him. We should've chased him off."_

_"He wasn't doing anything; no point in causing trouble when there is none."_

_Ellana wasn't against humans; the traders they had interacted with had been pleasant enough and the trades had gone through without incident. It was the sudden appearance of non-trading strangers (human or otherwise) that honestly made Ellana more nervous. It wasn’t as if clan hunters hadn’t dealt with roving bandits who saw them as a perfect target._

_But it was in Bri’s nature to be friendly, even to strangers. She always talked with any merchants that came through, asking about themselves, their goods, and their travels. To Ellana’s disconcertion, Bri’d also interacted a few times with those she encountered on hunts, as long as they didn’t seem like they’d be overly hostile. Ellana wouldn’t want her to change from the warm and gregarious person she was, but Bri was more willing to trust in someone’s good nature, which to Ellana bordered on naivety. It hadn't come back to bite Bri yet, but all it took was one chance encounter for things to go wrong, to meet someone who wasn’t above taking advantage of that trust._

_Not that Ellana was about to acquiesce to any of that in front of Camlen. She couldn’t stand to see him get that smug look on his face if she agreed with him even just a bit. She never could, even as children._

_"Probably for the best."_

_Ellana predictably found herself the target of one of Camlen's scowls, a look only all too frequently directed at her. She’d lost count of the number of arguments and fights they’d had over the years. "No one asked for your opinion, Ellana. You're not the one who has to make the decision about how to handle it. Keeper Deshanna will."_

_"Cam, there's nothing..."_

_Ellana cut her sister off, feeling the familiar flare of her temper, anger beginning to churn inside her, a slight tremble coursing through her body. When would he stop trying to question her role and contribution to the clan? "The Keeper happens to value my input. I **am** First."_

_"Which you never fail to remind the rest of us," he said, crossing his arms, looking less than impressed._

_Ellana was almost certain Bri said something next to her, but the words didn't register, as she responded to Camlen, her voice rising, "Are you accusing me of putting on airs?”_

_"If you even have to ask..."_

_The next thing Ellana saw, Bri had stepped in between her and Camlen. "Please. There's no need to argue or fight. Let's just go relax, sit by the fire."_

_Camlen's gaze met Ellana's, the heat in his stormy blue eyes dying down at Bri's insistence. "You can go on ahead, lethallan. Marel wanted to see me once I got back. I'll see you at supper."_

_He didn't spare Ellana any further glance or give her a farewell as he walked away, not that she had been looking for one._

_Bri sighed, bouncing on the balls of her feet, never able to stay still when she was anxious. But she gave Ellana an almost overly cheerful smile, as if that alone would banish away what tension lingered in the air. "Well, shall we go? I hope there's good..." She frowned, hand going to the back of her hair. "What the...how did that get in there?"_

_Ellana shook her head at the twig that had buried itself in Bri's thick braid. She always seemed surprised at the way things got twisted into it. "Were you climbing at all?"_

_Bri let the twig fall from her hand. "No. Not this time. Though we did hide in that bush when we were hunting the ram."_

_"Come on, let's make sure nothing else got in there," Ellana said to an already protesting Bri, leading her to their tent. She was already planning to take advantage of this time alone, not having forgotten what Bri told her, wanting to hear more about this encounter with the stranger._


	3. -3-

**-3-**

She was having trouble wrapping her mind around all this.

In the span of a few minutes, Sera had been knocked unconscious by a giant, Ellana had almost been killed by that same giant, and the person who had come to their rescue and give them support was _Camlen,_ who was currently gracefully dodging the giant's wild flailing.

Questions swirled around in her mind, about how Camlen had gotten to Emprise du Lion, how he had known to come there, _why_ he was even there. But she'd have to save getting those answers until the giant was taken care of.

Ellana rolled out of the way of the giant’s erratic swinging of its arm, allowing her a clear view of Dorian, who had been able to pick himself up from the ice. But rather than directing attacks on the giant, he was off to the side, facing down a _Shadow_ that appeared out of nowhere. Creators, this just wouldn’t end.

She could feel the familiar hum of her mana having semi-recharged itself, like a tingle down the spine that coursed through her arms. It was enough for her to shoot out a jolt of electricity at the giant, but she dared not cast another, knowing she needed to regenerate her mana more fully if she wanted to cast healing spells on Sera. Ellana should have cast more rejuvenation spells over herself as Dorian did; she knew endurance and speed were still things she struggled with. She’d have to work on it more with Helaine, when they returned to Skyhold. She shouldn’t have let herself get into this position, not when it could mean life or death for Sera. But Ellana pushed those negative feelings down -her worry for Sera, frustration at herself- knowing that it wouldn't help Sera.

Blackwall finally reached Ellana and Camlen, attention turned onto the giant, slamming his sword deep in the giant's thigh. It let out an angered cry, moving to swipe at Blackwall. Ellana grabbed a nearby stone, throwing it at the giant's lowered head with a yell. Her distraction worked as she hoped, the giant’s eyes now on her. This allowed Camlen time to reach for the knife at his belt and stab it deep in the giant's already arrow-shot kneecap. The giant let out another howl, stumbling down onto the ice, slight cracks appearing underneath where it landed. Holstering his knife, Camlen armed his bow, aiming right at the giant's head. Two arrows in quick succession landed in perfect bullseyes between the giant's eyes just as Blackwall plunged his blade into the giant's waist.

As the giant finally fell, Blackwall went to Ellana's side, offering his hand, which she readily took. He helped her up, his sharp gaze quickly looking Ellana over for any sign of injury. She squeezed his arm, silently letting him know she was fine.

"Help for the mage, please!"

Ellana looked over to Dorian, who was darting out of the way of the Shadow’s swipe. “Creators, Dorian still needs help.”

Camlen turned, reaching for another arrow and taking aim at the Shadow, but Ellana stopped him before he could waste the shot.

“Wait, Camlen! Arrows won’t work against them.”

He paused, as if taking in her words. Still not entirely facing her, she saw him give a barely perceptible nod, then darted across the ice towards the Shadow and Dorian, knife already in hand.

Blackwall made to join them as well, but not before he quickly brushed his fingers against her cheek. “Will you be alright?”

She instinctively leaned into his touch, giving him a firm nod. “I’ll be fine, vhenan. Go.”

With that, Blackwall let go of her and went off to offer his help, calling over his shoulder that they'd keep it off them while Ellana went in the other direction towards Sera.

Sera still had not moved since she had been flung across the ice. At quick glance, she was already sporting a nasty red mark on her cheek, but miraculously Ellana found no blood upon combing through her snowflake-covered hair. The giant must not have hit her as full on as Ellana thought. Just as she was about to attempt a rejuvenate spell, she heard a faint groan below her and saw Sera staring up at her.

"Did...did we do it?" she asked, words slightly slurred. Ellana pressed a hand to her head, preventing her from shifting around further.

"We did, Sera. You pulled Blackwall out of the way, we took down the giant. But I need you to stay still. You took quite a hit."

Ellana wasn't sure how much of that got through to her, with the hazy look in Sera's eyes, but at least Sera seemed to catch the most important part as she stopped attempting to move.

She summoned what healing magic she could, pressing her hands on Sera’s temples, ensuring her head was kept in line with her spine. Ellana knew Sera had to be out of it if she didn't protest about Ellana using magic on her.

She glanced over at the others, at Camlen practically spinning to avoid the Shadow's strikes, allowing for Dorian and Blackwall to attack it on the other side. It had been awhile since she had seen Camlen fight, but it was as if no time had passed. Swift, efficient, effortless. So much like Bri. She would have loved a challenge like this.

Ellana quickly turned away, before she thought more about how much Bri would have loved to be there. How she _should_ have been there. Sera still needed her to stay focused.

She glanced back down at Sera, whose gaze was still locked onto her. Sera’s pupils weren't dilated, another good sign, but they still looked too unfocused for Ellana's liking. Seeing her lying helpless on the ice, so unlike the Sera she had come to know, brought out the protective side of her. Of course she had been protective of others in her life, of those she cared for in her clan and in the Inquisition, of her vhenan, even now of the people of Thedas who entrusted her to save them from Corypheus and his forces. But it felt different with Sera. Like it did when Bri had been alive. Ever since Ellana’s and Sera’s time in the Fade at Adamant.

The sound of approaching footsteps told her they had finally taken care of the Shadow. She could finally breathe a sigh of relief. The fighting, at least for the moment, was finally over.

"How is our dear Sera doing?"

"Still a bit out of it," Ellana answered Dorian. "Someone needs to go to the camp, bring a stretcher or a cart to take her up. I don't want her moving around too much."

"I'm fine, I can..." But Ellana still didn't let go. She had treated enough head injuries, even ones that didn't appear serious at first. She would not risk unnecessary jostling.

"In a moment. Once we have something to get you to camp."

Sera let out an aggravated huff. "My arse's cold."

Ellana couldn't help smiling at that, encouraged her words weren't as slurred and that she sounded more like herself.

Blackwall volunteered to go up to the camp, leaving her with Sera, Dorian, and Camlen, who was leaning on his upright bow, a distance away.

Ellana didn't even know where to start. Theirs wasn't the type of relationship where they would profess how wonderful it was to see the other after a year apart. But she had to find out why he wasn't back in the Free Marches, what could have possibly driven him to Emprise du Lion. Sudden dread coursing through her veins and threatened to settle in the pit of her stomach at the thought that something had happened to the clan. He didn’t act like something had, but that didn’t mean anything. He could be waiting to tell her once they were alone. She knew he would not want to say anything in front of those he didn't know, no matter if they were her friends and could be trusted.

There was only one way to find out.  

Ellana and Dorian carefully switched places, so as not to cause any sudden tilting of Sera’s head. Sera grumbled about it, again insisting she was fine. Dorian asked her a word association question, one Ellana remembered him asking to Sera before about magical endeavors. Ellana laughed with a measure of relief when she answered, "Arrows."

Ellana then motioned for Camlen to follow her away from the others. She took a moment to look him over. Not much changed in a year, except for a small scar towards the bridge of his nose. But it appeared he hadn't been injured at all dealing with the Shadow.

"Ma serannas. For helping us."

Camlen gave a curt nod. He had never been good at accepting thanks. Well, at least the few times she had given it.

Seeing Camlen again, it almost felt like she was back with the clan. That she hadn’t even left. As if it was an ordinary afternoon with them and she’d bumped into him coming back from scouting or hunting. There was a sense of familiarity, of home, she’d hadn’t realized she still missed. Not since she’d come to consider Skyhold, and the people within it, her home. But this was hardly the time to dwell on that.

"How did you even know where to find me?" she asked, curiously. She knew he was an excellent tracker, but she could have been anywhere in Ferelden or Orlais.

"I went to your fortress. They told me you came here," he replied, finally speaking his first words since his dramatic appearance, his tone maddeningly offering no real indication of his presence in Emprise du Lion.

"Why have you come all this way? Has something happened?"

Camlen shook his head. "Not yet. That's why the Keeper sent me."

She breathed a sigh of relief, the dread that had been brewing inside her lifting. Then Ellana's brow furrowed, actually realizing what he said. "The Keeper? Why?"

Instead of answering, Camlen turned and walked away from her. Just as she finished asking where he was going, he picked something up from the ice, something long and wrapped in cloth.

He walked back, extending his arms out for her to take what he held once he reached her. "To give you this."

Ellana carefully took the object from his hand, slowly unwrapping the cloth. She almost dropped it when she saw a familiar top of a staff.

She could still clearly recall one of her earliest memories of it, trying to pick it up to look at it, but it being too heavy for her little arms. Thinking she broke it when it fell on the ground. Then her mam coming upon her, and Ellana trying to apologize through her sobbing. She could remember the way her mam gingerly picked her up, wiping the tears from her face, and showed Ellana she hadn’t broken it, casting balls of light with the staff as proof. As Ellana had reached up and played with the balls, it was the first time she’d really wished she could do magic like her mam, that she had a staff just like hers. And about four years later, she'd gotten her wish.

"She didn't have to...she could've given this to one of the Inquisition scouts. They could have easily brought it to me."

"Keeper Deshanna wanted this done by someone she trusted."

She ran her fingers over the wood carvings of the staff. "You could have left it at Skyhold. You didn't have to come out here."

He looked away from her, a somewhat cross look appearing on his face. She wasn't sure if he thought she meant something more by her comment. It wouldn't surprise her if it did. And he wouldn't be entirely wrong.

"She made it clear that I had to give it to you personally."

Perhaps that was true, but Ellana couldn't shake the feeling there was something more to it. She wouldn't have expected him putting in this much effort to find her, when he could've easily left it at Skyhold, told the Keeper he had delivered it to Ellana, with neither of them being the wiser. Not unless there was something else that involved having to see her personally.

Camlen's gaze fell from her face to around the staff. "So is that it, then?"

Ellana looked down at the staff, then back at him with a tilt of her head. "I don't follow, Camlen."

The slightest bit of annoyance crossed his face. "That mark of yours."

"Oh." She lifted her hand for him to see, the slightest green glow pulsing on her palm. "Yep, this is it."

He studied it a moment, stared at it with only the mildest of interest. Such a contrast to everyone else who had gazed at it in awe, in reverence, in utter fascination. "So is it true, then? Did that shem deity give it to you? Are you really the Herald of Andraste?"

She could picture the different answers, the ways he would respond to them. If she said that she was, he would want proof on how she knew that she couldn’t give him. If she said no, he would likely accuse her of continuing to perpetuate a lie. And possibly tell anyone he came across she wasn’t Andraste’s chosen when they were choosing to keep that belief alive, give people what hope they could, even if she herself didn’t believe it for a moment. She could say she wasn’t sure, but he knew her well enough to know when she was lying. And she was already talking too long to answer the question.

She eventually settled on, “It’s complicated.”

She was saved from further questioning by the appearance of Blackwall and one of the Inquisition soldiers from the nearby camp, a cart in tow. She knew they weren’t done talking. She wanted to find out more about the clan and hear about the operation in Wycome from him. And get to the bottom of why else he was there to see her.

But before any of that, Sera required her attention.

* * *

 

_Ellana ran the brush through Bri's thick copper strands, catching it on a tangle. "So nothing truly happened?"_

_"Yes, nothing happened. He didn't try to kill us or anything. We just talked, that was it. Then we went our separate ways...oww, tangle, too hard..."_

_"Ir abelas." Ellana loosened her grip on the brush. "What did you talk about with him?"_

_"About the best places to hunt. Where we were from."_

_Ellana frowned. "Did you tell him where the camp was?"_

_"Not specifically. And he didn't ask." Bri tossed her head back and forth. "It was nice to see someone outside the clan. Meet someone new."_

_Ellana's frown deepened. "Still, if you see him again, be cautious and let me know, and I'll tell the Keeper. She'd want to know if people are staying around us."_

_Bri let out an irritated puff of air. "Creators, you **are** just as suspicious as Cam. Be glad I was even there. If you couldn't tell, he was this close to shooting an arrow off at him."_

_Ellana moved to the next section of Bri's hair. "I'm cautious, especially where you're concerned."_

_The suddenness and force of Bri spinning around knocked the brush of Ellana's hand, the furrow of her brow pronouncing the small perpendicular scar where the arrow and bow designs of her Andruil vallaslin intersected. "I can take care of myself. I'm not a child anymore!"_

_Ellana moved to pick up the brush. "You're still my sister," she said, hoping to pacify her._

_"But you don't have to worry and act like a mam all the time."_

_"I worry because I care. Would you rather I didn't?" Ellana asked, unable to hide the hurt from her voice that she even had to ask the question._

_That hurt deflated Bri immediately. "No, I didn't mean...of course not. I just..."_

_Bri fidgeted with her hands in her lap, as she struggled to find the words. "I never see you. I mean, I do...it just seems like we never spend time together like we used to and the times we do, you're always worrying or scolding me for something."_

_"Not always,” Ellana said with a slight defensive edge in her voice. “And you know I have to go if the Keeper needs me for something. I'm..."_

_Bri looked both disappointed yet unsurprised at Ellana's words. "You're First. I know"_

_She turned around, expectantly waiting for Ellana to resume the hair brushing._

_The tent was silent as Ellana chose to focus on finishing brushing and then braiding Bri's hair, thinking about her words. It was true that they hadn't spent much time together lately, but that couldn't be helped. It seemed as if there was always something the Keeper wanted her to do or something with the clan that required Ellana's attention. And Bri wasn't exactly sitting around with nothing to do either. She had responsibilities as a hunter, helping the clan. And perhaps she had been worrying about and scolding Bri a bit much, but she couldn't help it. For 11 years she had been looking after Bri since Mam died; she wouldn't stop now, not when Bri was the only biological family she had left._

_But that didn't mean Ellana didn't wish for it in fleeting moments, more time for themselves, like how it was before as children, before she was forced through unfortunate circumstance to become First in place of her mam._

_It did not take long to pull Bri's hair back together into the simple braid, tying it back with one of her hair ribbons._

_As Bri stood up, Ellana grabbed her hand, feeling the callouses underneath her grip. "We'll find time. Just the two of us. No lectures, no worrying. I promise."_

_Bri's face brightened, smiling as she crouched back down and wrapped her arms around Ellana in a tight, affirmative hug._


	4. -4-

**-4-**

“Quit your worrin’, Beardy. I’m fine.”

"A giant almost smashed your head in, Fuzzhead," Blackwall replied, not wishing to relive that moment of deep-seated fear when she hit the ice, all because he allowed himself to get into a position where Sera had been in harm’s way. There was already enough blood on his hands; he didn’t want anymore, especially not Sera’s, whose friendship he’d come to cherish as much as his relationship with Ellana.

"Yeah, but it didn't." Sera raised her head up only to set it back on the bedroll with a groan. "Why everything have to be spinning? Didn't even have the fun of getting pissed first."

"That'd be because you took a blow to the head."

Sera stuck her tongue out at him, which almost brought a smile to his lips. A good sign Sera was still acting like herself.

"This is bollocks. We're riding in a wagon. Don't need to be upright," she grumbled, pulling at the blanket.

Blackwall took it out of her fumbling hands and laid the blanket more securely over her. "If my lady Ellana thinks you're not fit to travel, I'd take her word for it." In fact, Ellana had been quite firm about it, no matter Sera's protests. Probably just as well. What had started out as nothing more than drifting flurries had morphed into a steady snow fall, with no letup in sight, sky smooth as could be.

"Course you'd say that." Sera let out an aggravated noise. "Hate it here. Too cold, too grey, too demony. And another stupid nob selling out the ones at the bottom."

Blackwall caught the distraught note behind the anger in her voice. He understood how she felt. And to think he’d once admired people like Mistress Poulin, the power and privilege they held.

"My lady will try Mistress Poulin justly for what she did." Knowing Ellana, she’d probably find some way to have her make amends to the town, which he’d be satisfied with.

"She better." Sera curled herself more into the blanket. "Ugh, frigging cold. Frigging head."

He patted her knobby knee through the blanket. "Try and get some rest. When we get to Skyhold, drinks are on me."

"I'll hold you to that." Tired eyes stared up at him, a rare softness crossing her face. "Wasn't your fault, Beardy. You know that, right?"

Blackwall's gaze fell away from her, giving Sera his best genuine nod. But as he expected, Sera saw right through it.

"I mean it. No being a droopy beard about it. Else you'll get an arrow to the knee. Or your arse." Sera let out a brief laugh. "Definitely your arse."

Blackwall couldn't help a chuckle of his own. "Understood."

With a final friendly pat on the knee, he stood and headed for the opening of the tent. Blackwall pulled back the flap, stepping out into the snowfall whipping in the wind. It was being in climates like this he was glad for wearing his gambeson, doing a good job of taking the bitter bite away from the cold. They were fortunate the wind was light and sporadic. But if the snow got worse, he doubted they would be choosing to remain outside for long.

He approached the two figures down the stone steps, sitting around the fire, which was still holding on.  Ellana and the Dalish elf from her clan, Camlen, were sitting on the two logs closest to each other, yet both of them noticeably leaning away from one another. As Blackwall walked closer, he could hear snippets of their conversation.

"Did you lead the hunters into the city?" Ellana asked.

Camlen drank from the leather flask he had in his hands. "Along with Delya. We met with the resistance group, took out the red lyrium supply first. Once they found out about it, many of the shems joined up with us. The shem duke and his army were outnumbered. It was over fast enough not many of us sustained major injury."

"And the Keeper? How has she been?" Ellana asked with the same level of concern as a child asking a sibling about their parent.

"The Keeper's seemed more at ease, even with taking on leading the city elves. Most show the proper respect, haven’t given her any trouble."

"I'm glad. The Keeper's sounded concerned every time she's written, about this whole situation."

"There's much to be worried about. That shem duke had it out for the clan ever since we settled near Wycome. Even with him dead, the clan's still not safe, not with the shem nobles spreading their lies to the other Free Marcher cities."

"My commander has sent word to Inquisition troops in the area; they'll help fortify the city." Ellana sounded confident, but Blackwall knew how hard of a decision it had been for her to make, the anxiety it caused her over whether she was making the right choice. 

"They better. We don't have much fight left in us, not against more Free Marcher armies."

Camlen's eyes then met Blackwall's upon his approach, mouth closing and attention turning to the flask in his hands. Ellana smiled up at him, a more welcome sight.

"How's Sera doing?"

"She threatened to shoot me with an arrow in the arse if I continued to blame myself, so I'd say she's still feeling like herself."

"Sounds like her." Ellana's eyes softened. "And she's right. Don't blame yourself."

Blackwall nodded, but it wasn’t any more believable than with Sera. And from the look he caught in Ellana's eyes, he could sense she didn't believe it of him either, but she didn't pursue it further.

"Dorian still patching himself up?"

Ellana nodded. "He's checking to make sure the Shadow only cut through his sleeve." Her gaze then focused on his shoulder. "How's your shoulder doing? That giant really hit your shield hard, didn't it?"

"I'm fine," he said, ignoring the throbbing. He knew he had to take care to prevent further strain before his arm was of no use to him at all, before someone else got hurt because of it. But he still didn’t want to let that burden of worrying about it fall onto her.

She frowned. Her pursed lips shifted as if to say something more, but then promptly closed, shifting her attention back to Camlen.

"It's good you came when you did. We were on our last breath."

“I gathered when I saw you.” Camlen tipped his flask back, taking a healthy swig of whatever he had in it. It made Blackwall wish he had something of his own to drink. He’d have to see if there was any ale around camp later. "So you have to be out fighting now?"

Ellana shifted one of her boots into the snow. "Yes. It's still a struggle."

"You've much improved since we met, my lady."

Ellana shot Blackwall a small smile. "Partly due to you. But thank you, Blackwall."

He had to admit that was true. Much of her progress had been due to training with him and Helaine. It was also not hard to see that Ellana’s reflexes and battle instincts could still be slugggish, that she didn’t take to learning combat maneuvers easily. However, she was determined to continue trying to improve, and he was willing to help her for as long as she wanted it.

"You were impressive, back there with the giant. And the Shadow," Blackwall then remarked to Camlen, thinking back to the skill he had seen, at the way Camlen rolled and dodged and parried so easily, the speed he wielded his bow and knife. “Was it your first time fighting one?”

Camlen barely spared him a glance as he replied, "Yes. But I’ve handled giants before."

"Your clan deal with a lot of them, then?" Blackwall asked, curious to know how frequent an encounter it was. For all his years on the road, out in the wilderness, he rarely had to fight one.

"Enough to know their weak spots."

"Camlen's one of the clan's senior hunters. He's led a lot of the hunts and scouting missions. Which can occasionally involve taking out a giant or two," Ellana filled in for Camlen's silence. Not that Blackwall was one to talk about not elaborating on things.

"How many senior hunters does your clan have?" he asked. He so rarely got the chance to find out about her clan or where she came from, mainly out of fear she would ask similar probing questions to him. But there wasn't much of a chance of that happening with Camlen right there, who intently stared at the flask in his hands, ignoring their conversation entirely.

"Four. Camlen, Delya, Elowyn, and Felrion. Master Sorvel was one, but he's more of a trainer these days." Ellana's face then fell, a far-away look growing in her eyes. "My sister would've been one. Maybe even the best. Hunting and fighting was in her blood."

Camlen then raised his head from the flask, bitterness creeping into his features, making him appear older than he was. "What point is there in wondering? We'll never know now."

Ellana sighed, face falling further, making Blackwall regret even asking in the first place. "No. We won't."

Silence fell over the trio, save for laughter of some Inquisition soldiers nearby carrying in the wind. Camlen set aside his flask, grabbing for one of his knives, and rustling around one of the pouches in his belt, pulling out a whetstone. Ellana began making aimless patterns in the snow with the tip of her boot, gaze darting to and from the dancing flames in the firepit. Blackwall would not have thought she'd be this quiet when one of her clan was there. He would have thought with Ellana having been away from her clan for close to a year, to finally have the chance to talk to someone from there, that they wouldn't have run out of things to talk about.

Before he thought he'd either have to think of something to talk about to curb what was increasingly feeling like an oppressive silence or leave them alone to properly talk, Ellana turned back to Camlen, asking with what Blackwall thought was an oddly level voice, "Was your journey rough at all?"

Camlen ran his blade along the whetstone as he spoke. "Besides the occasional cutpurse or red templars. And the sea was choppy one night. But nothing I couldn't handle."

"You were lucky. I felt like I was going to be sick the entire trip over. And there was a storm one night. I was convinced we would sink with how strong it was." Blackwall wasn't sure if her shiver had to do with the chill in the air picking up or at the thought of being trapped in a sinking ship. "Hope your return trip isn't like that."

"I'll find out soon enough."

Genuine surprise crept onto her face. "You're planning to leave already?"

"In a bit."

"You've been traveling non-stop for days and the snow's picking up. You should at least stay overnight," Ellana said, adopting that tone Blackwall had come to know all too well when she was trying to stop him from overworking.

Camlen's knife stayed against the stone, staring pointedly at Ellana as he said, "No. I've already been gone too long. I have to get back to the clan. _Where I belong_."

There was no missing the accusatory note directed at her. Or the way Ellana went from deflated shoulders to a stiff, defensive posture. A sight which had Blackwall concerned and wondering why she was reacting this way.

"Camlen..." she said, her voice tinged with both fatigue and warning.

Blackwall was unsure of what to do at the sudden, palpable tension, whether to ask what was going on, whether it was his place to say something in his lady's defense when nothing had truly started, whether to try and think of an excuse to get her away or distract her. But it was a rare instance when he could say he was happy to see Dorian, strutting out of his tent, heading straight towards them.

"Everyone getting nice and toasty? Miss anything?"

"Not much," Blackwall answered, still focused on Ellana whose posture had not slackened as both her and Camlen stared each other down.

Ellana’s focus on him broke when Dorian plopped down beside her. Blackwall was happy to see her greet Dorian with a small, friendly smile, more like herself.

"So what's the verdict? Did that Shadow get you?"

"Only tore through a perfectly good sleeve, but nothing that couldn't easily be patched up. Looks like I'm infection-free. Fortunate, that. The process of treating it is not a fun one, from what I've heard. And that's if something's done about it then and there."

"Let's hope our luck holds, then," Ellana replied. "Bad enough to have been around red lyrium for three days."

"You'll broker no argument from me." Dorian glanced up at the sky. "I see the snow's not letting up. I hope you aren't planning to travel til tomorrow. Your luck, a blizzard will hit and you'll end up stranded," he said pointedly to Camlen.

"Camlen actually will be leaving soon," Ellana said, a bit too quickly, which Blackwall noticed had Dorian raise a puzzled eyebrow. He wondered if Dorian could sense it too, the tension between her and Camlen. "He has to get back to Wycome."

Camlen looked back up at them, for the first time since Dorian arrived. "Before I do...there's something the Keeper wanted me to talk to you about."

"What is it?" she asked, planting the heels of her hands on the log as if to brace herself.

Camlen cast eyes over at Blackwall in a way that made Blackwall unexplainably uneasy as he said, "This is something we need to discuss in private."

"Alright." Blackwall picked up the resignation in her voice. "Let me just go check on Sera." Ellana reached down for the cloth-covered staff beside her, the staff she’d told him and Dorian once belonged to her mother, holding it out to Blackwall. "Would you mind storing this for me, Blackwall?"

He took the staff gingerly from Ellana’s hands, as if it could shatter on impact on the snow if he lost his grip. "Of course, my lady."

Blackwall took his leave from the fire while Ellana headed back up to Sera. Blackwall headed for the tent just across from the fire, where his and Ellana's satchels were piled up on either side. He thought about propping up the staff against her bag with her other one, but decided just laying it down flat would be better. He crouched down to rest it beside the satchel. Part of the cloth around the staff came undone, which he hastened to wrap back up. But he took the moment to actually examine the staff, at the intricate design of a cage of fire carved at the top, tree branches with intertwining limbs and sprouting leaves along the staff. It was a beautiful work of Dalish craftmanship, beyond its obvious sentimental value to Ellana. He wondered if she'd use it now that she had it. Though it was curious why her Keeper would send someone to deliver the staff now.

The thought crossed his mind, of Camlen being there at their Keeper’s behest to counsel Ellana against their relationship. Then irrational panic began spreading through him at an even worse possibility: that Camlen knew something about his past. What if that was what he wanted to talk to Ellana in private about? What if her Keeper had found out and wanted to send someone she trusted from the clan to tell her? What if he was going to tell Ellana all about Thom Rainier and his heinous crimes and the rumors surrounding his disappearance? Why else would he appear so hostile towards Blackwall? Though, as the rational part of his mind was quick to point out, he hadn't seemed too fond of Dorian either. Or of _shems_ in general.

He heard the rustle of the tent flap behind him, turning to see Ellana coming in.

"Thank you for doing that for me, vhenan."

"Anything for you," he said, concealing any hint of his panicked wonderings.

He finished wrapping the staff back up before standing, only to have Ellana stop him.

"It's alright, you can look at it if you want. Creators knows it's been kept stored away long enough."

Blackwall took her up on her permission, curious to inspect the carvings on the staff in greater detail. "So you didn't use it, while you were with your clan?"

Ellana shook her head. "I could have. But I never wanted to. It didn't feel right to use it. When we get back to Skyhold, it's staying there."

She ran her hand over one of the leaves carved towards the bottom. "I haven't seen this in what's felt like so long. Looks the same as when I left it with the Keeper."

"You think there's a reason why she's sending it to you now?"

"The Keeper has always thought ahead. They got lucky last time. She probably wanted to be sure I have it...in case..." She trailed off, not needing to finish that line of thought.

"For what it's worth, I think you made the right decision, to fortify Wycome."

Ellana sighed, learning into him as she did. "I hope so."

His arm went around her shoulders, giving her right one a brief squeeze. There wasn't much else he could do. He wouldn't feed her honeyed words about how her entire clan would make it through in the end. Too many years of being a part of too many conflicts, of what he did, had long ago taught him that bad things could certainly happen to innocent people.

Even after he had finished examining her mother's staff and made it clear it could be placed back in the cloth, she made no move to do so, continuing to lean against him, still as a statue.

"Ana? Everything alright?"

"Hmm..."' Ellana glanced up at him, still a distant look clouding her emerald eyes, her thoughts clearly elsewhere. "Oh...yes, vhenan. Just a lot on my mind. It's been a long few days." With what sounded like a resigned sigh, she straightened herself. "Guess I'd better not keep Camlen waiting."

She tugged on the staff the same time he was moving it another way. He grunted in discomfort, hand flying to his shoulder as if that would get the pain to stop, halting her mid-sentence about remembering to grab her cloak.

"Fenedhis, ir abelas," Ellana exclaimed, fully grabbing the staff and setting it down, attention quickly turning back to him. "It's getting worse, isn't it? I hope there isn't a tear."

"I can manage, Ana. Truly."

A frown marred her face. She crossed her arms, asking forcefully, "Why do you insist on making this more difficult for yourself?"

"I know my limitations," he said, unable to help the gruff edge enter his voice. "You have more important things to worry about."

"Yes, and your wellbeing is one of them." She took a deep breath. "Least let me cast an ice spell on it to help with the inflammation."

"If my lady insists," Blackwall said with a compromising sigh, already removing his gloves, then reaching for the toggles of his gambeson. He slipped it off him, tossing it onto the bedroll closest to him. He wasn't going to fully undress. It was too cold for that.

Ellana began by carefully kneading his sore shoulder. He hissed when she rubbed at a tender spot, which phased into a soft groan as he felt the familiar tingle of cold seep through his shirt to reach the inflamed muscles.

"Maker's balls..."

"I take it that feels better?"

"Much."

One of many benefits of his lady being a mage skilled in healing. He recalled the first time she had treated him, after taking a rough beating in a fight, the way she helped treat his wounds, with such gentleness, such tenderness...he had been foolish in ever thinking he could deny himself being with her.

And as quickly as he had pushed the fear and dread down, it rose quickly back up, rising ever more once she announced she was done. That this might be the last time she treated him like that, that this might be the last time she softly admitted she wished he wouldn't push himself for her sake, that she hated when he was hurt. If Camlen told her what he feared he would, he was under no illusions what that would mean, what would happen.

Served him right. It was what he deserved, to be found out like this. But he was greedy, no matter how selfless he liked to imagine himself.

That greed prompted him to take her into his arms, crush her close, her hands ending up splayed against his chest. He buried his face into her hair, unable to prevent the slightest tremble course through his body.

"Blackwall?" When he gave her no answer, Ellana cupped his cheek, gently forcing his head back up, his gaze meeting her puzzled one. "What's wrong?”

He couldn't tell her, couldn’t admit that he feared this may be the last time he’d hold her again (yet another thing he couldn’t admit to her). But he couldn’t stop her from leaving either. If he ended up being wrong, she would wonder why he hadn't wanted her to go. But he had to give her something, a reasonable explanation for why he was acting like she would disappear the moment he let go.

He ran his thumb along her vallaslin design, tracing along her cheek. "Out there, with the giant. I thought it'd be too late, that you..." His voice caught both out of emotion and on his half-truth.

Maker, some days he was tired of it. The half-truths, the outright lies. He knew. _He knew_ she deserved better, but it had become so reflexive now. Some days, a small part of him thought it might be a relief, for someone to know the truth. But the thought never lasted long. The Inquisition, their companions (well, Dorian and Madame Vivienne excluded), _Ellana_ , accepted and needed Warden Gordon Blackwall, not the scoundrel and waste-of-life Thom Rainier.

Ellana's face softened. She hugged him round the waist, pressing a kiss against his shirt, right above his heart.

"I was afraid, too. I should have kept myself further back until my mana recharged." Ellana paused before softly stating, "Creators, Bri would have been so much better at this."

Blackwall was caught off guard by the comment. She didn’t usually offer up things about her sister without being asked. "You said earlier she would have been one of your clan's lead hunters?"

"Without question," she replied quickly, leaving no doubt of Ellana's confidence in her late sister. "She was always drawn to it. Wanted to be the best, worked hard at it. Master Sorvel and the Keeper allowed her to become a full-fledged hunter when she was 16. Both her and Camlen did."

"I can see why. He was impressive out there," Blackwall said, unable to hide the hint of admiration.

"He and my sister were constantly paired when training and out hunting. At first it was due to how close they were in age, but they eventually asked to hunt and scout together. They worked well together, were good friends."

As she spoke, there was something in her voice that gave him the sense she was holding something back. But then, he was in no real position to ask her to share more if she didn't want to. Funny how he was learning more about her clan days now, when there was a chance he’d lose access to that forever.

She tucked her head against the crook of his neck, seemingly intent on not pulling away just yet. And Maker did he not want her to let go. "I never thought...of all the people I'd see from the clan, that it would be him."

Blackwall took this opening she was providing him. "Why do you say that, my lady?"

She sighed, one of those small, tired sighs he had been hearing a lot lately. "We didn't...don't have the best relationship. We got into arguments _a lot_. Drove my sister crazy."

His arm came around her shoulders, rubbing at the padding. "Hard to imagine you getting into heated arguments all the time with anyone."

She gave a soft laugh. "I was quite stubborn and argumentative when I was younger. More over-reactive. But I eventually realized that needed to change."

She became quiet at that, not elaborating further and Blackwall didn't push for more, no matter how much he wanted to hear more about her past life with her clan. He would content himself to stand there in silence, cherishing the feel of her in her arms, her steady breathing against him, the way his hand perfectly molded to the back of her head.

Ellana then unwrapped her arms around him. "I've kept him waiting too long." She kissed Blackwall's cheek. "We'll talk more later, vhenan."

As Blackwall put his gambeson back on, he realized Ellana had forgotten her cloak, folded neatly over the other bedroll. He hurriedly finished, grabbing the cloak, and stepping back outside, catching a glimpse of her heading up the path of the stone steps.

He called out to her, causing her to stop mid-step and turn, heading back his direction. He handed her the cloak, which she took with an appreciative smile, wondering aloud what she'd do without him.

He watched Ellana cross the remaining distance to Camlen, standing by a pack of chests near the lit brazier and Sera’s tent. They shared a few murmured words between them, then made to go up the steps which led out to the forest, presumably to talk privately. As they turned, Blackwall was close enough to catch a glimpse of Camlen's intense gaze staring back at him, as if scrutinizing him. And it was clear by the disdainful glint in his eyes that he was not measuring up in the slightest.

* * *

_Ellana caught sight of the stranger as she came up the path, standing across from Bri, who just came up to the unknown man's shoulders. She couldn't be certain, but this had to be him, the man Bri and Camlen came across around a fortnight ago. Her natural instinct was to march over there, demand who this man was, why he was still hanging around the area, what interest he had in her sister. Every fiber in her being urged her to. But she was also curious, wanting to see how this conversation played out._

_Certain that neither Bri or the man had seen her, she ducked behind the cover of a nearby tree. She poked her body out enough to keep the two in her sights, taking in the man who was still conversing with Bri. It was difficult to clearly discern his features, but she noticed the dark hair pulled into a ponytail that swayed in the wind at the base of his neck, the dead rabbit at his belt alongside his knife, with bow and arrows strapped to his back, his animated hands moving back and forth while he talked. Whatever he was saying had Bri in stitches, laughing her familiar friendly and boisterous laugh._

_She watched as the laughter died down and their conversation appeared to become more subdued. The man was saying something to her, murmurs of words fluttering in the air, just faint enough for her not to catch. Bri seemed enthralled by what he was saying, wide-eyed and her mouth moving, though Ellana could not tell if audible words came out._

_They only talked for a few moments longer, the man taking his leave of Bri without incident or improper touches, just as Ellana considered giving into her urge to confront him. Ellana tried to catch a closer glimpse of the stranger as he walked by, spotting the pronounced scar that followed along the curve of his cheek, the dirt stains and patchwork on his shirt and trousers (likely not a noble wandering off his estate) but little else before she had to duck behind the tree again as he took the left fork in the path._

_She waited a bit, not wanting to give away to Bri that she had been watching over them yet, then walked back on the path and headed towards where she and Bri had agreed to meet._

_"Sorry I'm late. I got caught up," Ellana greeted as she reached Bri, trying to sound casual, wanting to see how Bri responded._

_Bri turned with a smile, no hint of her interaction with the stranger on her face. "You're here now. I found a great spot with a bunch of wild flowers and embriums, overlooking the stream."_

_She listened to Bri recount the morning meal she shared with Camlen and Marelwyn, as she followed Bri to the area she had set up for them, a basket on the ground to put their finished flower crowns in. She plopped herself down expectantly, staring up at Ellana as she finished talking. Her brow furrowed as Ellana did not move to sit. "What is it, Ellana?"_

_There were two ways Ellana could go about this. She could sit down, make flower crowns with Bri, pretend she had never seen that man talking with her. But Ellana knew. The protective, older sister in her couldn’t let this go._

_"Who was that man you were talking to?"_

_Ellana felt a twinge of guilt at making Bri's face fall like it did, but the feeling didn't last long when her sister replied, "I was hoping you wouldn't bring this up."_

_She could feel her face flush, a sense of chagrin coming over her. "So you did know I was there?"_

_"Not at first. But you've never been good at sneaking," Bri said with matter-of-factness, yet reluctance still carrying in her voice_

_"So who was that? Was he the one you and Camlen encountered?"_

_Bri grabbed for a nearby wildflower. "His name's Cassius. His family owns a farm a few miles out. He's staying with them for awhile."_

_"So is he a hunter, too?" Ellana asked, folding her arms across her chest._

_Bri played with the wildflower petals. "Sometimes. Sometimes he's a sellsword."_

_"You mean he's a mercenary?"_

_"Just because he's a mercenary doesn't mean he can't be civil. He actually tells really funny stories."_

_Ellana did not find that at all compelling as Bri seemingly did. "What else has he told you about?"_

_"A bit where he's traveled, all around Thedas. He's talked about Ferelden and Orlais. I'd love to see them."_

_"I doubt the Keeper will ever have us leave the Free Marches." Ellana frowned, realizing something. "How long were you talking to him for? Seems like a lot to talk about in one conversation."_

_Her suspicions were confirmed when Bri didn't answer her, fiddling around the flower in her hands._

_"You've seen him more than twice now?"_

_"Yes, but every time's been the same! If he was going to do something to me, he would have done it by now. And he's shown no real interest in the clan."_

_"I told you to tell me if you saw him again." Ellana let out an aggravated, anxious breath. "I have to tell the Keeper about this."_

_"Why? You've never been this suspicious with others we've encountered. And he hasn't done anything. No one's shown up harassing us."_

_" **Others** have been traders, not mercenaries. And we have these rules in place for a reason, Brianya. You know that." Rules that had served them well, however cautious they required the clan to be._

_That had Bri standing, the flower falling out of her hand. "Do you really think I'd do anything to put the clan in harm's way?"_

_Of course Ellana didn't think that. At least not intentionally. But Bri was clearly too trusting of a man she’d only spoken with a handful of times. What did she really know about him? His true character? "Still, I'd feel better telling the Keeper. She can decide whether we should move the clan or not."_

_"But we just settled down here. We haven't had a spot this good in ages." Bri sighed, softly confessing, "I'm tired of having to constantly be on the move."_

_"I know. But it's necessary."_

_And not just to avoid potential conflicts with humans who hated elves. Keeping a low profile ensured no trouble, which also meant no templars would come looking to resolve it. Ellana didn’t want to risk being at their mercy; she had no desire to spend the rest of her days in a Circle._

_"Speaking of which, keep your distance from this...Cassius." Nothing may have happened, no unforward or violent actions on his part, but she couldn't allow this to continue, regardless._

_"But he hasn't done anything! And even if he did, I can handle it!"_

_"I'd rather not take that chance." Ellana took hold of Bri's arms, fixing her with a steady, stern gaze. "Promise me, elgara."_

_"Fine, I promise."  She said it with great reluctance, like she still didn't agree, but at least she said it._

_Ellana released her arms with a relieved sigh, feeling a bit lighter since first seeing Bri and Cassius. She made to head back to the camp when Bri grabbed her hand._

_"Wait, where are you going?"_

_Ellana tilted her head, looking curiously at her. "I'm going to find the Keeper, tell her about all this."_

_Bri refused to let go of her hand. " **You** promised me time together. If you're holding me to yours, I'm holding you to mine." _

_Ellana was about to answer with a retort, but then Bri stared at her with those pleading eyes, the same ones she saw when Bri was little and she was sick or hurt and wanted her sister to heal her, when she begged her to sing their mam's favorite song to help her go to sleep. That were so difficult to say "no" to._

_"For a bit," she acquiesced. "But I still have to tell the Keeper about this when we get back."_

_Bri let go of her hand, a begrudging acceptance on her face. "Do what you have to."_

_They then gathered the flowers around them and set about making flower crowns, like they did countless times before. But as relaxing as it usually was, despite spending the time making innocuous chit-chat about the clan and discussing who they’d give the crowns to, nothing could fully take Ellana’s mind off the stranger, and her upcoming talk with the Keeper about it. Or take away the tension that stubbornly lingered between her and Bri._


	5. -5-

**-5-**

If Ellana had a choice between facing down Corypheus and that dragon of his again over having a private talk with Camlen, she would've seriously considered picking Corypheus and the dragon.

There was a reason she and Camlen had both come to that unspoken agreement to avoid interacting as much as possible. It had helped keep the peace between each other. Made life better for everyone.

She wasn't necessarily surprised the Keeper had entrusted Camlen to deliver her mam's staff to her. What surprised Ellana more was Camlen agreeing to leave, when Wycome was under threat of another attack. She imagined there had to have been much convincing on the Keeper's part.

This silence between them began to grate on her nerves. The tension was so palpable, the thread ready to snap at the slightest comment taken wrong by the other.

"How is your family?" she asked over the crunch of her boots through the snow. At least this question wouldn’t start an argument, and she did genuinely want to know how they were doing. "Marelwyn and Neras? Athros and Noranni?"

"Fine. Marelwyn's expecting another child." It was faint, but Ellana knew Camlen well enough to pick up the softness in his tone when he spoke about his cousin.

"That's wonderful," Ellana said, thinking of Marelwyn, warm and kind to all those around her. Despite the tension between Ellana and Camlen, she had always treated Ellana as if she were her own cousin. And she would always be grateful for the support Marelwyn and Neras showed her after Bri's death. "She always did want a big family."

Camlen pushed back an encroaching branch in his way. "Athros and Noranni keep asking about you, you know. How you're doing, what it's like being the Inquisitor and all that."

"Really?" The twins had just turned seven around the time she left. She had always been fond of them, a bond which began the moment they were born when Ellana helped deliver them. She wondered how much they’d changed in the year she’d been away, if Noranni was still as affectionate and inquisitive and Athros as thoughtful and animal-loving as Ellana remembered. "Be sure to tell them I'm thinking about them."

"You should be telling them yourself. For months, every time news comes, they think something's coming from you, then it never does."

Guilt coursed through her, settling in the pit of her stomach, the realization hitting her she hadn't thought as much about Athros and Noranni, really anyone else in the clan, since shortly after the destruction of Haven. Only in the flurry of receiving news and making decisions about what was happening in Wycome. And even then it was in passing.

She glanced over at Camlen, who stared expectantly back at her. She recognized immediately what he was trying to do. He was trying to bait her, just like in front of the fire with Blackwall sitting right there. She refused to fall into it, not like how easily she did when she was younger.

"I'll write them a note, and you can take it with you," she said, staring right in front of her, not meeting Camlen's gaze. He didn't say much to that. He likely expected a more defensive response.

They stopped at a clearing, a circle of trees surrounding them. They should be far enough away that their inevitably heated voices wouldn't carry.

"So..." Ellana crossed her arms behind her back. "What did Keeper Deshanna want you to talk to me about?"

He glanced around, as if to ensure they were alone. Then he said, jumping right in, "There've been rumors. About you."

"There have been rumors about me ever since the blast at the Conclave. The Keeper didn't seem concerned, then." Excepting, of course, her initial letter, unsure if Ellana was a prisoner of the Inquisition.

Camlen shook his head. "These are different. About you. And one of your shem companions. Blackwall. Together. They say you make it no secret of it." His expression turned to that of disgust. "I didn't believe it, you of all people. But it turns out they were right."

And there it finally was. Ellana had wondered how long it would take for gossip to reach the Keeper about her and Blackwall. And how Camlen could have possibly be able to deduce it was true, when Blackwall and her were as mindful as they could be about affectionate gestures in public, not wanting to give people even more to gossip about. Was it possible he had overheard them in their tent? Or was it simply Blackwall calling her “my lady?”

And of all the people in the clan Ellana had to have this conversation with first, why did it have to be Camlen? The Keeper knew their history, knew disagreement could easily turn into a fiery argument between the two of them. And if the barely concealed anger in his voice was any indication, this was going to go downhill quickly. And Ellana wasn't sure if she'd be able to defuse it.

She would try answering honestly.

"What do you want me to say, Camlen?" she asked resignedly.

"I want to know what I'm supposed to tell the Keeper."

"Tell her the truth. I love Blackwall. There's nothing else to say."

Camlen shot her an angry frown, left eye already starting to twitch. How many times had she seen that over the years?

"That's it? That's all there is? You're giving up your clan for a shem and there's nothing else to say?"

"I didn't say that."

But wasn't she, at least in a sense? She knew what staying with Blackwall meant. She had known since she had accepted that she loved him and couldn't imagine life without him. But telling Keeper Deshanna that she’d been contemplating not returning to her clan and resuming her role as First because of falling in love with a human was not something Ellana wanted to tell her in writing.  And she’d wanted time to figure out how to react if –and she really hoped it was _if_ \- the Keeper didn’t approve. So, yes, Ellana had been putting it off, but she planned on telling her at some point. She owed the Keeper that much.

“So how did it happen? He manage to seduce you somehow?”

She gave him a firm, disapproving stare. “Give me _and_ Blackwall more than that, Camlen. And as a matter of fact, I spent more time chasing after him than he ever did me.” 

Camlen placed himself down on a wooden stump, his intense gaze never leaving her. "I always knew you could be selfish, but this..."

Ellana crossed her arms, ready to deflect whatever hurtful words he was further willing to hurl at her, no matter how much they already stung. "Personal insults? Oh, that takes me back."

Camlen looked far from amused at her quip. "This is serious, Ellana."

"I'm being serious." She ran her hand over her face. "I didn't plan for it to happen, Camlen. It just did."

"But you still went ahead with it," Camlen stated pointedly

"Don't think I didn't put some thought into it."

And it was true. She had gone back and forth over the decision, complicated further when Blackwall had been intent on pushing her away, when she found out about the Calling.

But in the end, the conclusion she had come to was the one she still had: she did not want to give up this chance she had with Blackwall. It was too important to her. _He_ was too important. She couldn't have imagined a better man as her vhenan, his love and devotion and belief in Ellana giving her the strength to be the leader she needed to be.

"Besides," she continued, "there's no guarantee I'd be coming back, anyway. Even if I wanted, I'm the Inquisitor now."

"Who said you had to take it? You could have walked away from all of it."

"I couldn't do that." Perhaps she had been tempted, right after the Conclave and closing the breach the first time. But now... even if Blackwall was not a major contributing factor, after everything she had seen, she couldn't walk away from all of it. Go back to the clan and pretend it didn't happen, pretend Corypheus wasn't still a threat and someone else would come in to save the day, pretend the anchor wasn't permanently on her hand. Pretend that she was just First of Clan Lavellan, not Herald, not the Inquisitor.

Camlen leaned forward, resting his weight on his palms latched onto his knees. "What am I to tell Athros and Noranni? They already think you've forgotten about them. Now I have to tell them you won't even be coming back."

"Of course I will," Ellana said sharply, his bitter words cutting through her better than any blade could. "You act as if I want nothing to do with the clan, that I don't even want to see any of you. Of course I do!"

"Then why haven't you come and helped us? Nothing's stopping you."

"You know Keeper Deshanna would send me back the minute I got to Wycome. She's already made clear to me not to come, that my duty is to the Inquisition."

A familiar certainty crossed his face, one that she found still drove her crazy, when they had gotten into arguments and he was confident that she was wrong. "You wouldn't be making excuses if Bri was still alive."

The thread of tension frayed even further, one comment away from snapping. "Don't bring my sister into this!"

Her raised voice carried in the air, hitting her ears with a similar force to that of that giant's fist hitting the ice, pulling her back. Some rustling in the trees caused Camlen to spring up, bow and arrow at the ready. She raised a hand of her own in case of a necessary fireball. Camlen only lowered his bow and placed back his arrow after a few moments, with no further rustling heard except the wind toying with the brittle tree branches. She released the anxious breath she’d been holding, the tension in her shoulders lessening with each minute nothing came out and attacked them, that no heated words passed been her and Camlen.

This had been good. Gave them time to pause, a moment for her to figure out what to say that wouldn't cause tempers to flare again. Despite their negative relationship, she did not wish to part with him on bad terms.

But, Creators, was he making it difficult not to. Just like she feared he would.

"Camlen...” She took a breath to steady herself, starting up again in as diplomatic a tone as she could manage. “I'm not going to try and pretend that we like each other or that I know how difficult things have been with the clan since I left..."

Camlen forcefully dug his bow into the snow. "You're right. You don't know. How we've lost our identity. How we’re constantly under threat. How the children keep asking whether the shem armies are going to kill them or enslave them. So don't put on your empathy act with me, when you can't even be bothered to come back to help."

_One halla, two halla, three halla..._

"If I'm not Inquisitor, there won't _be_ a clan, regardless if the Free Marcher armies are pushed back,” she said, trying to banish the image of Noranni or Athros asking those questions, the fear in their eyes at what might happen, knowing that would not help her keep calm, but it wasn't working. “I'm doing as much as I can."

"And if we make it through? You're going to leave Keeper Deshanna without a First? All so you can still be in control of half of Thedas? Fuck a shem, which you didn't even have the guts to tell her about yourself?"

_Four halla, five halla...six halla...seven halla..._

"That's not fair," she said, voice catching.

Camlen gave a bitter shrug. "Not my fault you can't handle hearing the truth."

_Eight...halla..._

"Then what are you doing? Why are you here instead of back with the clan? What convinced you to leave?"

"The Keeper asked me to!"

"And she asked me to go to the Conclave. We both did as she wanted. So why are you really here?"

An unreadable expression then crossed his face, before finally muttering, "It's what Bri would have wanted."

The thread finally snapped, the second mention of Bri the final cut.

"So all of a sudden, after nine years, you care about what my sister would have wanted?" Ellana demanded, the harshness of her voice not even registering.

Camlen shot daggers at her. "Of course I do! She was my best friend."

Ellana's hands clenched at her sides, unable to control the slight tremble or fizzle of magic radiating from them. "How can you claim that? How can you claim to have been her best friend, that you loved her..."

The grip on Camlen's bow had turned white. "I _still_ love her!"

"Then where were you when it mattered, Camlen? Where were you when she needed support?"

Camlen's eyes narrowed. "You're blaming _me_ for what happened to Bri?" he asked, voice rising on each word.

"It certainly didn't help!"

"I'm not the one who told her to leave!"

Ellana reeled back as if she had been slapped. Her hands shook with anger, her mark popping slightly as control further slipped on her magic. She could have unloaded on him for making such a comment. She _should_ do that. How dare he say something like that? When she _still_ carried the guilt over what happened with her to this day.

And that guilt is what caused her anger to deflate, taking whatever heightened adrenaline she had with it, leaving only the desire to end this argument then and there, send Camlen on his way and pretend this argument never took place. Pretend that he had never showed up. Retire into the tent she shared with Blackwall and sleep away this Creators-awful day.

"Tell Keeper Deshanna what you will. It's obvious you don't really want my opinion. You never did."

She turned herself away from him, unable to bear facing Camlen a moment longer.

"See our quartermaster. She'll make sure you have supplies and a ride if you want one. I'll write that note to Athros and Noranni, then you can be on your way."

There was a moment of silence before she heard the sound of crunching footsteps walking away. She didn't even bother to turn and watch him leave, or ask if he had heard her. Or if he'd even be there by the time she came back. It didn't matter to her. Camlen had done what he had come to do. There were other ways to get letters and notes to the clan outside of his personal delivery.

Finally alone, she didn't hold back the slew of Elvish curses that would have made her mam want to wash her mouth out with soap. Even after all these years, Camlen still knew how to push her. Even after all the effort she put into being less reactive and not as quick to anger. That he'd try to use Athros and Noranni, that he'd try to use _Bri,_ to guilt her. A low blow even for him.

But, as much as she hated to admit it, Camlen did hit on something. She should have been keeping more in contact with the clan, with the people she still cared about. Just because she was Inquisitor, just because she had new treasured friends and her vhenan, did not mean they weren’t still a part of her.

And he was also right about Keeper Deshanna. Sooner or later, Ellana would have to talk to her about this. There was no point in putting it off any longer. Her relationship with Blackwall wasn’t something she planned to end anytime soon. Not unless the Calling did it for her…

Ellana shivered at the dark thought. She pulled her cloak tighter around her, glancing up at the large snowflakes falling from the sky. Her hand absentmindedly went to her pocket, intent on searching around for Bri's wooden halla token, needing to run her fingers over it, usually helping to calm her down.

Her hand clutched at nothing but air.

Breath caught in her throat, she ran her fingers along the bottom of her pocket, feeling the open, gaping hole.

* * *

_The Keeper made her take a break for supper, before she forgot and skipped yet another meal, physically handing her the bowl of stew and instructing her not to come back until she had finished it all. Ellana knew better than to protest. She wouldn’t win that argument against the Keeper. Not when she’d easily point out how important it was Ellana take care of herself._

_Not having seen Bri all day, Ellana sought her out, finally finding her with Camlen at the edge of the camp, their own bowls settled in between tree roots on the grass beside them. He immediately stood up at Ellana's approach, disregarding Bri's insistence that he stay. Probably for the best. Things hadn't entirely cooled from their latest spat with each other. And Ellana much preferred to eat her supper in peace._

_"So how did things go today?" she asked, occupying the spot Camlen vacated._

_"Fine," Bri said, still watching Camlen's back as he walked away. "Everything should be set on our end."_

_Ellana nodded, bringing the bowl to her lips and tilting it back, taking in a small swallow of broth. "Master Sorvel said as much when he met with the Keeper."_

_Silence then fell upon them, Ellana choosing to focus on her supper, hungrier than she originally thought, Bri picking up her whittling knife and work-in-progress owl carving resting in her lap. It was when Ellana was about half-way through she noticed that the silence had continued to linger. Even when she was carving, Ellana'd be hard pressed to get Bri to stop talking about anything and everything, even if it was just pointing out beautiful colors of a flower in the distance._

_"You're quiet. What's on your mind?"_

_Bri sighed, setting the knife and carving aside. "It's nothing."_

_Ellana looked at her skeptically. "It doesn't sound like nothing." She set her bowl down, studying her sister for a sign of what was bothering her. "Did Camlen say something to upset you?"_

_Bri shot her an exacerbated look at the question, throwing her hands up in the air. "No, of cour-why are you always so quick to judge him?"_

_Ellana was taken aback by such forcefulness in Bri’s voice. She thought her question was a logical one. He **had** been the last one talking to her. "Because he usually deserves it." _

_Bri switched from running her fingers over the carving to playing with the end of the ribbon tying back her braid. "Will you stop being so hard on him? He didn't do anything. I'm just..." She trailed off, as if closing off. Also unusual for her._

_If it hadn't been Camlen, there was only one other thing Ellana thought it could be._

_"Are you angry at me? For telling the Keeper? For leaving?" She had truly thought the issue had been settled between them the previous day. "It had to be done," she said with a measure of regret. If Ellana were honest, she’d had no desire to leave immediately either. Bri was right that it was a great spot. But the safety of the clan had to come first._

_"I know that. I just wish we didn't have to. All we ever do is move from place to place."_

_"We don't have much of a choice in that."_

_Bri stopped fiddling with her braid at that, looking her with a rare seriousness in her eyes. "Do you ever ask yourself? What it's all for?"_

_"What do you mean?" Ellana asked, unsure why Bri would be asking such a question._

_"This," she said, gesturing out to their encampment. "Just scraping by. Not living for ourselves."_

_"But we are. We're free to move, come and go as we wish. We don't live in a prison. That's why we stay out here. There's no other way." As Ellana spoke, she couldn’t help hearing the Keeper’s voice saying it instead of her own. But Ellana believed it, too. Living as nomads was a hard life, certainly. But it was a good life. One free of the slum conditions they’d heard all about in city alienages. One free, for Ellana and the Keeper, of being imprisoned in a Circle. And that was worth something._

_“What if we did have a choice? Aren't you tired of constantly having to be at the Keeper's side? Of doing what she tells you to do? Of having to ask for time away from duties, so you and I can spend time together?"_

_Ellana rubbed at her temple, feeling more bewildered with each turn this conversation took. "That's what this is about? We're not children anymore. We no longer have all the time to ourselves we did before. We must take what we can, and accept that. We both have our responsibilities, to do our part for the good of everyone, not just ourselves."_

_Bri almost looked sad at her answer. "Father and Mam devoted themselves to the clan, and look where it got them."_

_Ellana's bowl almost slipped from her hands. "That had nothing to do with their deaths, Bri. You know that." She couldn't believe what she was hearing. Certainly Bri had complained about the lack of free time and their nomadic lifestyle before. But this time, she sounded more like she was tired of life with the clan. That alone was unbelievable to her. Ellana couldn’t bear to think that could extend to Bri being tired of life with **her**. "Where is this even coming from?"_

_Bri sighed, shoving her knife and carving into her pockets. "Just...forget it."_

_"No, I want to know." Suddenly the thought hit her with such clarity, she couldn't believe it hadn't come to her before. "Was it that human mercenary, filling your head with tales about how great things are traveling the world, away from the clan?" She placed a hand on Bri's arm, clutching it with almost a sense of urgency. "Tell me!"_

_Bri wrenched her arm away, practically launching herself onto her feet from the stump she had been sitting on. "I can think for myself, Ellana! You've just refused to see it!" As suddenly as the flicker of anger came, it washed away, replaced with sadness. "I should let you go, so you can get back to the Keeper. I'm sure she needs you for something. I'll see you later tonight."_

_"Brianya!" she called, but Bri kept walking away, not once turning back._

_With an agitated puff of air, Ellana moved to resume her supper, but clutched air. She spotted her overturned bowl on the ground, most of the stew coating the grass. "Fenedhis..."_

_She quickly finished what she could salvage, now tasting flat, but all she could do was churn over what Bri had said. And here she had thought she would have an enjoyable supper without Camlen there._

_Whatever was bothering Bri, it was obviously something she'd need to talk to her more about. But it would have to wait until they settled in their new spot, away from Cassius, who she suspected caused this. She'd have to involve the Keeper in it too, if Bri refused to say more._

_Creators, the next day couldn't come soon enough._


	6. -6-

**-6-**

The wait was torture.

Blackwall's head continually kept darting over to the stairs, anticipating Ellana’s and Camlen’s return. He felt as if he was on trial, just waiting for his sentence to be finally bestowed upon him. Though he doubted that if Orlais got his hands on him there would be any wasted time of a trial. He'd be lucky if they wouldn't have a hanging on the spot.

"You'll give yourself whip-lash doing that, you know."

Reflexive harsh words were on his tongue, but he refrained from saying them, remembering his promise to Ellana to not get into any more arguments with Dorian. Rarely had he seen her so angry, and even more rare for it to be directed at the two of them.

He had tried for her sake, but he couldn't honestly see what Ellana did in Dorian, how she didn't see the same arrogant, preening mage he saw. But then she always did strive to see the best in everything and everyone. Himself included.

"Just keeping an eye out," Blackwall grumbled in reply.

"Because of the tension between her and her clansman?"

That caused Blackwall to focus his attention on Dorian. "So you did notice."

"Of course. Anyone could see she looked far from someone seeing an old friend." Dorian cocked his head. "Did she ever tell you anything about it?"

"Not until now. And she didn't say much."

"I can see why she wouldn't. I've had warmer receptions from members of the Magisterium. Though I suppose their clan hasn't had too much to be pleasant about lately."

Blackwall brushed at the snowflakes which blew into his eyes. It wouldn't be too long before he went and grabbed his own cloak, for the hood alone. "So long as he doesn't cause her distress." Or revealed things Blackwall would rather be kept secret. He still had yet to come up with a good plan on how to handle things if it was that.

"True enough. She's under enough strain as it is." Dorian tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Truthfully, how do you think she's doing, handling all of this? She's looked a bit ragged the past few weeks."

Perhaps it was due to him already being on edge, but the way Dorian said it really grated on Blackwall's nerves, causing his jaw to clench. "That supposed to be some subtle jab at me not being a supportive enough partner for her?" Though Blackwall couldn't deny feeling there was a bit of truth in that. As hard as he'd tried, she still seemed to carry the weight of her duties around with her at all times of the day lately. And it was a sight he hated to see.

"My personal feelings regarding her choice in partner aside, no. Not everything revolves around you, Blackwall."

Blackwall felt his face grow warm at the comment. His mouth moved, ready to spit out an irritated retort at how rich that was coming from a man who bragged about himself every chance he could when he spotted someone coming down the stairs from the corner of his eye.

Camlen strode with purpose, pausing as he looked around. Finally, his gaze settled and he moved forward, passing by Blackwall and Dorian, allowing Blackwall the chance to catch a glimpse of the lingering anger and furrowed brow on Camlen's face.

"I'm going to take a guess their conversation didn't go so well," Dorian remarked once Camlen was out of earshot.

Blackwall watched as Camlen caught up with the quartermaster. Their conversation must have gone somewhat smoothly if Ellana offered use of Inquisition resources to send him on his way. Though even if it hadn't, he couldn't imagine her being vindictive enough to deny him resources if he needed them.

As the minutes ticked by with no Ellana in sight, he couldn't help becoming more troubled, a knot tightening in his stomach. It may mean nothing. Perhaps she just wanted a moment to herself, a moment to calm down if they did have an argument. Or perhaps she was churning over things Camlen may have said to her...

Finally he spotted Ellana coming down and Blackwall braced himself as she headed in their direction, in case his fears were confirmed.

Then he caught sight of Ellana's face.

A panic had taken hold, one that he had never seen there before. She ducked into their tent, then popped back out, practically threw herself against the chest by the barrels, throwing it open and roughly shifting through the contents inside. She then shut it closed with a forceful snap and a Elvish curse, already moving towards them and the fire.

"My lady?"

Ellana acted like she hadn't heard him, getting on her knees and shifting through the snow where she had previously sat, from one side of the log to the other. Blackwall’d have felt some relief at the fact Ellana wasn’t confronting him, accusing him of anything. But that was overshadowed by the fact she didn’t say a word to either of them, still frantically running her hands through the snow.

This time, Dorian was the one to try and get her attention. "Ellana?"

He didn't get a response either. She let out a noise of frustration before getting up from the snow and storming back up the stairs.

A look of confusion mixed with concern passed between Blackwall and Dorian, both of them standing to follow Ellana into Sera’s tent, who was on her hands and knees again searching around Sera's bedroll, her hood unable to keep in place in her scramble.

"Argh, was just gettin' to sleep, Quizzy," an irritated Sera exclaimed. "I'm fine!"

As with Blackwall and Dorian, Ellana didn't acknowledge her, moving to the opposite side of the tent, quick as lightning.

"Quizzy? Quizzy?" Sera turned up to Blackwall and Dorian. "You two know why she's acting frigging batty?"

Blackwall had no idea what had happened to cause her to act as if she was in a trance. To stand in the middle of the tent, breath racing. But he intended to find out.

He stepped over to her, grabbing an arm to hold her still in case she tried to walk away. "My lady? Ana, please look at me." He didn't like using his petname for her in front of others, but he had never seen her act like this and it was starting to deeply worry him. "What's wrong?"

After a moment, she heeded his plea, though her breathing was still not completely under control. "It's gone. I-I can't find it. Bri's token. I can't find it!"

He was thankful this didn’t have anything to do with her conversation with Camlen. If it had, harsh words would have been exchanged with the Dalish elf, for causing her to become this upset. Though that knowledge did little to solve the issue at hand. Or make it any better.

Blackwall remembered when she first showed her sister’s token to him, at camp one night, the first trip out from Haven since he had been recruited. He’d barely known Ellana a full month and even then it was clear how much she treasured it. Only reaffirmed when he’d notice how she took it everywhere with her, how she’d fiddle with it and rub her thumb along the halla in an almost tender way. 

Dorian cautiously approached the two, as if afraid to startle her. "When did you last see it?"

"This morning, I...I had it while I was meditating. I don't remember seeing it around anywhere. I would've noticed." Her eyes scrunched closed. "And I had it after we went to the outpost. At least I think I did, I..."

Frozen tears shimmered in Ellana's eyes when they opened again, muting the usually vibrant green, the closest he had ever seen her to tears outside of a nightmare. And it hurt Blackwall more than he could put into words to see. "Oh, Creators, if I've lost it, after all this..."

He wasn't typically one for public displays of affection, especially with Dorian right there. And honestly, he didn't really know what to do, how to handle this. Even after a nightmare, he hadn't seen her so frantic and upset before. The thought that he might make things worse, cause her more distress, made him hesitate, the voice in his head casting doubts over whether he could soothe her. But he couldn’t stand there and do nothing. He had to try and calm his lady down.

He gathered her into his arms, rubbing circles into the tense muscles of her back with his good arm. "It's alright, my lady. We'll find it," he assured, murmuring it into her ear. He dared not tell her otherwise in the state she was in.

"Perhaps it fell out when that giant grabbed you."

Blackwall felt Ellana shake her head against him at Dorian's suggestion. "There's a hole in my pocket. It could've fallen out anywhere."

"Still, might be a good place to start."

Ellana took a few, deep breaths, time to steady herself. Blackwall released her once she raised her head, a slight calmness beginning to appear on her face.

"Alright." She began to head towards the tent entrance, but paused as she passed Sera, as if noticing her for the first time, an apology written on her face. "I'm sorry..."

"Don't, Quizzy, it's fine. You need me to come with, to find your token-thingy?" Sera asked, already attempting to push herself up. "I'm real good at finding things."

"You mean you're good at _hiding_ things."

"Ppthh, same difference," she retorted to Dorian. "Have to learn somehow where the hidden things are, even the things that aren't mine."

Ellana sent her a small smile that did not quite reach her eyes. "I appreciate that, Sera, but you're still healing."

"I told you, I'm..." As suddenly as Sera almost got herself up, she ended up on her back. "Argh, why it have to be spinning again?"

"So you're fine, huh?"

"Shut it, Beardy."

Once certain that Sera would stay in place, they headed out into the snow and wind, but not before Blackwall told Sera they'd hopefully be back soon and to not get into any trouble. He was out the tent before he heard Sera's reply.

They passed through the camp, and Blackwall noticed Camlen and the quartermaster were not in their previous spot. But Blackwall didn’t ponder on it, more intent on keeping up with Ellana, who was taking long strides back towards the river.

A thin sheet of snow now covered the ice. The three searched for any signs of a round-shaped object sticking out. They reached around the spot they remembered Ellana to be (though there was disagreement between Dorian and Blackwall as to precisely where), trying to recreate her movements during the long battle, but the wooden halla token was nowhere to be found.

"Afraid I've come up short here. Sorry, Ellana," Dorian said as they re-grouped.

Ellana picked herself up from where she had been kneeling, shifting through the snow. "It was still a good suggestion." Though the words were spoken calmly, there was still a warble in her voice, as if she was struggling to keep her emotions in check.

"What do you wish to do now, my lady?”

A call of Ellana’s name then echoed off the cavern walls, preventing her from giving an answer.

“There you are. One of your soldiers said you were heading this way.”

Camlen approached them, with the strides of someone who was clearly in a hurry. A brief look of dread appeared on Ellana’s face, only to be replaced by one of resolve upon his approach.

“Have you seen Bri’s token?”

Camlen's eyes widened, wiping away the veneer of indifference. "You lost it?" he asked incredulously.

Ellana's shoulders sunk. "I take it that means you haven't."

"No. I've been with your quartermaster arranging for supplies and a horse."

Ellana wrapped her arms around herself, as if to keep herself in control. The sight made Blackwall want to provide some type of additional physical comfort, but he wasn’t sure if Ellana would appreciate that in front of Camlen.

She then looked back over on the way they had come earlier that day through the imposing archway with the skulls carved into the pillars, arms falling back to her sides. “We’ll have to retrace my steps.”

Blackwall eyed the sky warily, at the large snowflakes continuing to fall at a steady pace, the occasional gust of wind whipping across his face. He knew what this meant to Ellana. He wanted to help her find her sister’s token; he would stick by her side if she was determined to, but he couldn’t deny they’d also have to be cautious and possibly postpone the search if conditions worsened.

“You’re sure about this? We covered a lot of ground today. And the snow’s not slacking,” Dorian pointed out, thinking along the same lines he was.

“I have to find it,” Ellana said firmly, yet still unable to cover up the hint of desperation and panic they had seen earlier at the camp.

“Then I’m with you.”

“As am I, my lady.”

She shot them both a grateful look. “Ma serannas.” She then cast her gaze onto to Camlen, who stared at her with suspicion in his eyes until they widened in realization, only to quickly narrow.

“No. No, absolutely not,” he said with vigorous shaking of his head.

“Sera’s laid up, we… _I_ need as much help as possible to find it.”   

Camlen crossed his arms. “Tell me why I should. When you can’t even be bothered to come help us yourself.”

There was no denying it now, the utter disdain in Camlen’s voice. And it stirred anger and disbelief inside Blackwall on Ellana’s behalf, that he would say such a thing to her in her time of need.

“I’ve already explained why I can’t,” she said, voice warbling.

“And I’ve already said what I think about it. You wouldn’t be…”

“Don’t.” Though not directed at him, Blackwall took a step back at how harsh that one word from Ellana sounded. “Don’t say it again.”

Camlen, however, appeared unfazed at the outburst. “Fine. Just wasting time, anyway.”

Blackwall watched as Ellana took a moment to pause before trying again to appeal to him in a more measured tone. “I wouldn’t be asking if I didn’t really need your help.”

“Why can’t you ask your soldiers? I’m sure they’d follow you.”

"They need to be there to defend their positions in case more red templars show up," Ellana said, sounding like she was back to thinking as Inquisitor. "I can't have them leave the camps on a personal matter."

Disdain crossed Camlen’s face. "Figures. Put more value in your Inquisition than you do your own clan.”

The hurt which flashed across Ellana's face stirred Blackwall to step forward. He would not stand there silent while Camlen accused her of not giving a damn about her clan. Camlen hadn't seen her deliberate over what to do to help them or comforted her when she agonized over the decision. Nor did he clearly have any idea how huge of an undertaking it was to be the Inquisitor, the importance of it.

"Listen here..."

Camlen's eyes met his, sparking eyes that spoke of being ready for whatever verbal fight came his way, but Ellana stepped in between them, with a raised hand to stop Blackwall from saying anything further. He acquiesced, but still eyed Camlen with a harsh gaze.

"We both know you don't owe me anything. And this isn’t easy asking for your help. All I’m asking is to help search one time through. If we…we still can’t find it, you can go.”

There was a pause, a momentary silence, as Camlen thought over her proposal. Then the consideration was gone, replaced by hardness in his features.

“As far as I’m concerned, this is on you, Ellana. I did what the Keeper asked me to do. I already wasted enough time traveling here. The shems could be marching on Wycome now for all I know. I’m not delaying anymore because you were careless. So unless you have anything to give me for Athros and Noranni, I’m leaving.”

Ellana opened her mouth to speak, but Dorian interjected this time. “Let him go. It’s obvious he has no desire to help.”

Once again, Blackwall found himself in agreement with the mage. While he couldn’t fault Camlen for wanting to go back and help his clan, Blackwall could fault him for having no sympathy over Ellana’s plight, for not caring. They’d be better off not having him around, if all Camlen would do was upset Ellana or be argumentative.

But Ellana didn’t heed Dorian’s suggestion, instead trying once more to break through, even as Camlen had taken his first steps to walk away.

"Camlen, you know...this is more than sentimental value, this is..." Maker, the way her voice was trembling and hitching again, Blackwall thought she might actually start crying this time. "This is the only thing I have left of Bri. _The only thing_. Please."

Blackwall wasn't sure such pleading would work, but he watched as Camlen stopped, then slowly turned back towards them, his face contorted into a mix of aggravated reluctance and an emotion he couldn't quite place at the mention of Ellana's sister

Finally, with a shake of his head and gritting of his teeth, Camlen said, "Let's go, then."

* * *

_Hunters were sent out to find her within an hour._

_She didn't know what to think about where Bri could have gone. Her attempts to press Bri once she came back to their tent for the night had failed. Calling a momentary truce, she collapsed onto her bedroll beside Bri, whose back was facing hers. Just as she was about to fall asleep, she swore she heard Bri whisper something, but she had been unable to decipher it or respond. When Ellana woke up the next morning, Bri was already gone._

_Ellana hadn't thought anything of it when she first got up, assuming Bri meant to get an early start, decided to share breakfast with Camlen. Until she found him later, sitting with Marelwyn, but no Bri. When she asked, Marelwyn expressed surprise, told her they thought Bri had already eaten with her, that they hadn't seen her. It only took the appearance of Neras, who thought he had seen her head into the forest for her to realize something was wrong. And it didn't take her long to fear that it had something to do with Cassius._

_Ellana had been pacing endlessly since they left, to the point Keeper Deshanna had to physically place herself in front of Ellana to get her to stop._

_"Da'len, please, you're going to wear a hole in the ground with all this pacing."_

_She wished she could be as calm as the Keeper sounded. She made it seem so effortless sometimes. Though Ellana knew she wasn't impenetrable. The Keeper could show worry, and her calm demeanor did have limits. No one might think it at first glance. The Keeper was of average height, a woman in the beginnings of her elder years, skin beginning to wrinkle at the edges, grey in her hair. But Ellana knew she could be imposing when she wished, speak icy words when necessary that could easily cut a person down, embody the power and strength she needed as leader of a Dalish clan. It was one of many things Ellana admired about Keeper Deshanna, something that Ellana was still striving towards._

_"I should be out there looking for her."_

_"I know. But if something has happened, it's best for the others to handle it."_

_That only made her want to join the search more. "She's my sister. If she's in trouble..."_

_The Keeper fixed her with a steady yet not unkind gaze. "You're also my First. Your duties go beyond Brianya, you know that."_

_A part of her wanted to argue that nothing was more important than her sister, but all that came out was a half-hearted, "I-I know, Keeper.”_

_The Keeper still nodded in acknowledgment, seemingly satisfied with that, despite how less than convincing Ellana knew it sounded. "You said she didn't appear to be herself yesterday?"_

_"No. It sounded like she was unhappy with life in the clan." And lack of time between Ellana and her, but whether they liked or not, that was something that would never go back to how it had been, especially not when Ellana was First. "I just wish she had talked to us sooner about it if she was. I didn't even know."_

_"Nor did I. No doubt the mercenary fed into that discontent. And we can only speculate as to his motives for such interest in her. But time should be on our side."_

_But what if..." The thought she couldn't bear to utter, because she hadn’t thought Bri could ever do such a thing. "What if she didn't come back because she doesn't want to?"_

_"We'll address that should it come to it." The Keeper laid a weathered hand on her shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze. "Have faith, da'len."_

_Commotion on the other end of camp directed their attention to the figures coming out of the forest. Ellana darted across the grass, paying no mind to whether the Keeper was keeping pace with her or not. When she reached where the others were gathered, she spotted three of the hunters helping to carry Master Sorvel back into the camp. Before she could ask what had happened to him, she then spotted Camlen, his arm around Bri, supporting her._

_Ellana breathed a sigh of relief, only to be drawn to the blood on Bri's face and chest. She had to stop herself from panicking at the sight, reasoning with herself that there were no visible cuts, that it didn’t look wet.  
_

_"Bri!" Once in arm's length, she hugged Bri tightly to her. "Are you alright?"_

_Bri appeared to not hear her at first, but eventually nodded, not looking her in the eye as she did so._

_"Take her to your tent," the Keeper said, closer behind her than Ellana thought. "I'll be there once I see to Master Sorvel."_

_Ellana put an arm around Bri to match with Camlen's, who surprisingly did not protest. He was too caught up in making sure Bri was okay, who just looked dazed, her shoulders hunched, her pace sluggish. Ellana wasn’t sure if she and Camlen weren’t helping Bri that she would be able to stand on her two feet._

_Once back at the tent, Ellana learned where they'd found her, what happened to Master Sorvel, which Camlen willingly offered without any complaint of Ellana badgering him. Bri had apparently been hiding up in one of the trees, heard the search party come by. And Master Sorvel had been struck in the torso and upper thigh before Camlen took the archer out, who he assumed was the leader of the group, as the others scattered quickly afterwards. When she asked if the humans were connected to Cassius, he answered that they were. With a deep scowl that for once was not directed towards her._

_Before she could ask how Camlen knew that for certain, the Keeper pulled back the folds of the tent._

_"How is Master Sorvel, Keeper?"_

_"Stable for now." Ellana breathed a sigh of relief at that. It would have been a devastating blow to lose him, both as a valued hunter and a beloved member of their clan._

_The Keeper then turned to Camlen. "I need you to help secure him for the journey, then go find Marelwyn and Neras. Tell them to wait nearby for me."_

_"Keeper, I want to stay and..."_

_" **After** , Camlen," the Keeper said, Ellana’s back involuntarily straightening at her commanding tone._

_"It's okay, Cam. I'm fine." A soft, shaky voice came from below them, that almost didn't sound like they came from her sister, but they did, the first words Bri had spoken back at camp._

_Camlen glanced between Bri and the Keeper, clearly not believing her. But with a resigned nod, he spun on his heel and left the tent. Ellana was glad for it. This was going to be difficult enough as it was._

_"Now." The Keeper crouched in front of Bri, who ducked her head and refused to meet the Keeper's gaze. "Tell us exactly what happened, Brianya."_

_"I..." Then without warning, Bri released whatever emotion she had been holding back and burst into tears. "Ir abelas, Keeper, I didn't...I didn't mean for this to happen."_

_Ellana sat down beside her and wrapped an arm around her. "What to happen?" she asked with concern._

_Her eyes darted between the Keeper and Ellana, as if terrified of how they would react to what she'd say. "Fenedhis lasa, I was such an idiot. To believe him. But it was just a trick. And now they'll come looking for us!"_

_The Keeper laid her hands on Bri's shoulders, as if to stop her hitching breaths. "Calm yourself, da'len. It's important you tell us what happened."_

_Bri took a moment to steady herself, then launched into the retelling of the morning's events. "I know you said to stay away from Cassius, but...I saw him yesterday morning. He’d been talking about going away, on travel again. And he...he offered me a chance to go with him. And I told him I'd consider it."_

_"For Creators' sake, Bri, what were you thinking?" Ellana cried, unable to stop her outburst, feeling the slightest guilt at causing Bri to look even more miserable._

_"I know! I know! I wanted to talk to you about it, but I was afraid how you'd react. But I knew before I even woke up this morning that I couldn't go through with it, I swear!"_

_Ellana was about to continue her tirade, that of course she would have reacted negatively to such an offer, when the Keeper held up a hand. She fixed Ellana with a firm gaze that had her closing her mouth, trying her best not to look too disgruntled at being cut off. Ellana thought the Keeper might want to ask her own questions (ones Ellana herself also wanted answers to), why she had been so eager to consider Cassius's offer, whether there had been interest in him or if it had been purely about her discontentment with life in the clan. But the Keeper simply said, with gentle encouragement, "Go on."_

_"So I met with him, told him I couldn't leave. That's when...oh, Creators."_

_Bri broke down into a fresh wave of tears. The Keeper pulled a rag from her pockets, which Ellana took on Bri's behalf, wiping away her sister's tears, her arm then taking its place back around Bri. Ellana may have been cross, but that didn’t stop her from feeling a faint ache in her chest at hearing her sister’s sobs, seeing the tears trickle down her face._

_"So what happened next, da'len?"_

_"He said...that he hated to do this...that it wasn't personal. But he knew people, who had reached out to him. About..." Bri swallowed. "About bringing elves to them to sell. Take to Tevinter."_

_"Creators...I knew it!" Except Ellana hadn't. The thought that he had been contracted as a slave hunter had never once crossed her mind. Just that he might have dishonorable intentions towards her. Course this was one of the most dishonorable things someone could do, being willing to capture another person and pass them off for someone to sell into slavery._

_"He grabbed me, told me that if I didn't...didn't come back with Ellana or you, that they'd come for the whole clan."_

_"Unsurprising. Elven mages fetch a high price," the Keeper said, still sounding calm, yet Ellana caught the spark of anger in her brown eyes._

_"And I-I lost it. I reached for my knife, and he tried to take it from me. And the next thing I know, I'm standing over him and he's coughing up blood.” Bri took a few breaths before speaking just as rapidly, her voice wavering as she spoke through more tears. “Then he said the others were coming. And if they didn't find me, his brother would call the templars and town guard if he didn't return."_

_Bri buried her face into her hands, shoulders shaking with her sobs. "Ir-ir abelas. I really am."_

_Ellana urgently stared up at the Keeper. "We need to move now. Before they have a chance to find us." They were fortunate they had finished most of their departure preparations the night before; they wouldn't need to waste much more time._

_The Keeper nodded, her face now a firm mask of resolve. "Wait here with her." She laid a hand back on Bri's shoulder as she stood up. "We'll talk later, da'len."_

_The Keeper left before Ellana could ask where she was going. But as it turned out, the Keeper hadn't gone far, bringing Marelwyn and Neras back with her. She must have explained some of the situation to them, Neras coming in with a somber, serious face, so unlike his humorous, jovial self. Marelwyn immediately went over to Bri, asking if she was alright, giving her a big hug. The Keeper instructed them to help Bri to get ready to leave, calling Ellana to her. She was reluctant to leave Bri so soon, but she reassured herself there would be time once they were on the road again. She had to help the Keeper with final preparations, especially now. And there was no else in the clan she trusted Bri with more than Marelwyn and Neras._

_She helped Bri back up, who clutched onto her hand as they stood, mouthing "Ir abelas" to her._

_Ellana looked over at her, not knowing what to say, still trying to process what Bri had told them and what she'd been thinking of agreeing to, without it sounding like a stern or angry lecture. Then the Keeper called her to her side again, and this time, Ellana heeded it, letting go of Bri’s hand and walking out of the tent. Leaving Bri to be tended to without giving her a reply._


	7. -7-

**-7-**

They didn't set off immediately. Blackwall refused to go anywhere without his sword, at the very least. And they needed to tell Sera where they were heading in case they ended up having to stay at the Tower of Bone’s camp for the night.

While that was taking place, Ellana struggled to figure out the best place to start. Truthfully, she was struggling to keep her emotions in check and from overwhelming her. She couldn’t believe she had held onto Bri’s token from being thrown into the Fade twice, through countless falls and jumps, yet now she had lost it because of some loose seam she hadn't even bothered to notice.

But she had to try and stay calm. She couldn’t get panicked or upset like she had earlier. That wouldn’t make it any easier to find the token. It would only delay them, and decrease her chances of Camlen bothering to stick around to help it. There was a reason why Camlen was one of their best hunters. He had experience with tracking, with being able to find things barely perceptible to the eye. She needed that skill now. Plus, even though Blackwall and Dorian had seen it before, Camlen was the only one outside of her that was just as familiar with the token.

It was ultimately decided to cover the mines first and work their way back. Their journey was quiet, both in terms of not facing new red templars every time they rounded a corner and among each other. The pretense of politeness had faded away, leaving only tension in its wake. Ellana was used to that, the stifling feeling that hung over them like a humid August day. It was how things usually were between her and Camlen. But Blackwall and Dorian clearly were not happy with his unwillingness to help and attitude towards her.

At least with them united in their discontent they wouldn’t have a reason to snipe at each other. She wasn’t sure she could handle that at the moment. She hated the fact Dorian and Blackwall still weren't on better terms with each other, despite her best efforts talking and nudging both of them. But any further change would have to come from them; she may be at the point of having to accept them tolerating and acting as civilly as they could manage in her earshot.

They tried to walk the paths exactly how she had that morning, but the footprints they had made earlier were now completely covered with snow. Ellana wouldn’t let the thought enter her mind, how difficult and potentially fruitless this was. She couldn’t. She couldn’t bear the thought that her sister’s token may be lost out in the snow of Emprise du Lion forever. 

They had a bit of a reprieve from the growing snow and wind, searching under the wooden platforms. But except for mined silverite she found lying around, there was still no token.

Once she left what sanctuary the platforms offered, Ellana spotted Dorian above her, who appeared to be examining something. She climbed the nearby ladder and hopped over the platform to head back up towards the top. When she reached Dorian, she found him glancing at a piece of parchment, partly shielding it from the snow with an arm hovering over it. She frowned, unable to help feeling a hint of annoyance at seeing him do anything other than search for Bri’s token.

"What's that?" she asked as she approached him, catching a glimpse of the words, hastily scrawled and blurred across the top: _"I will not survive this."_

Dorian rolled the parchment, handing it to her instead of holding onto it. "Someone's confession. I suspect one of the miners from Sahrnia. He confessed to killing his wife's brother."

Ellana accepted the scroll, placing it in her satchel without reading a further word. She’d look at it later. "Have any luck up here?"

"None so much, I'm afraid. Only thing I found was that. You?"

She shook her head, disappointed. Though she really shouldn't have been. He wouldn't have just been standing there otherwise. She then noticed the way he was looking at her with the utmost concern. "What is it, Dorian?"

"I'd be remiss as your friend if I didn't ask how you were holding up."

"I'll be better once I find Bri's token,” she said, coming out more dismissively than she’d meant it to. “Let's just leave it at that."

"I also meant with your clansman," Dorian said, stepping closer to her so as to not chance Camlen possibly overhearing. Not that she saw how that was possible, with him still down below. "He was very hard on you."

"Yes, well, that's how it always been. I didn't expect that to change."

Truly it had been an impulse, appealing to him to help by bringing up Bri. Even though she knew it was manipulative to do so. But she couldn't make herself feel entirely bad about it, not when he had tried to make her feel guilty earlier about not coming to Wycome and her choice regarding Blackwall.

Her arms came up around her at yet another gust of wind. Creators, why did it have to be so cold out, even for Emprise du Lion?

As suddenly as the shiver went through her, heat came over her to chase the cold away.

"Figured you might need that," Dorian said, lowering his hand.

"Thanks. Do you need...?" she asked, willing to return the favor.

"I'm good for now." He then leveled her with a serious gaze. "Just make sure you don't push yourself too hard."

"I have to find it, Dorian," she said firmly, hoping that he would understand her resolve to search as long as she could, as much as she could, that she’d take it as far as it needed to go.

"I know. But it won't do you any good if you freeze to death."

She wanted to snap at him that he didn't understand, that she couldn't let Bri down again, losing the one thing still connected to her. But she pushed the raging emotions down again, as she had becomes accustomed to doing over the years in regards to her sister.

"I know you're looking out for me, and I appreciate that. But I'll be fine. Everything will be fine." She was unsure who she was trying to convince more with saying that. "Please just trust me."

She walked away before Dorian could get a response in, and before she could be at risk of breaking down in front of him.

With no results to show after searching the quarry, they headed back in the direction of the house ruins where they had searched for the elderly lady's ring. Since they had searched through all of the house ruins, they decided to split up, with Blackwall and Dorian searching on one side and Ellana and Camlen in the other.

Ellana went directly to the house where she searched for the ring before, scanning the wreckage and shifting through the snow, thankful the wind had died down a bit. She could feel her heart drop with every brush away of snow revealing nothing hidden underneath it. The enormity of trying to find such a tiny object in the snow was beginning to hit her again. She was trying to hold the torrent of emotions at an arm’s length, but then she thought about when Bri first showed the token to her, the look of pride on her face...

Ellana felt her chest and throat constrict and had to grip the edge of the nearby broken desk. She took control of her breathing, trying to take calm and steady breaths, to keep herself from breaking down. She had to maintain control. She was First, she was the Inquisitor…

A First and Inquisitor who had lost her sister’s token.

A First and Inquisitor who had caused her only sister’s death.

“Search here yet?”

Ellana jumped at the sudden voice behind her. She turned to see Camlen standing in the remains of the house’s doorway.

“Yes. It’s not here,” she said, letting go of the desk. "What about you?"

“I haven't seen it either.” Camlen stepped in through the opening. "Only thing I've seen is some ring."

Her ears perked up at that, willing to momentarily divert her attention to anything other than the fact they still hadn't found the token. "That might belong to someone in Sahrnia. Where was it?"

"The ruins right there."

Ellana stepped around him, treading over to the spot where he pointed, tucked in the corner of the ruins on top of a broken dresser. She grabbed it, a quick examination confirming the ring matched the woman’s description: a silver band with a solitary diamond at its center.

"At least we found something," she muttered to herself as she dusted snow off it before placing it in her satchel.

She glanced over her shoulder, spotting Camlen standing across the buried bed behind her. "Ma serannas."

He nodded, but did not say anything more. They were back to how it always was after an explosive argument. She thought about trying to apologize for before, for the things she said on her end, for things getting out of hand. Attempt to mend the bridges again, but she decided against it, least until they found Bri's token. She needed him in the search (his discovery of the ring was proof) and the last thing she wanted was the apology to go south like their conversation did.

Then she noted the way he was staring at her, like he was bursting to say something, but was curiously holding back. "What is it, Camlen?"

“You know finding it will be impossible, right?”

Ellana tensed. She brushed the comment aside, batted it away so it couldn’t add to her own growing awareness and despair over that fact. “Won’t know until we try.”

“So what happens if you don’t? You going to leave your Inquisition soldiers to try and find it?”

Never was there a time more that she wished Camlen would stop talking. And there had been plenty of moments like that over the years. “Only if it comes to that.”

Camlen crossed his arms. “Of course. Have someone else make up for your own mistakes.”

She wasn’t aware of how hard her hand came down on the frozen solid dresser surface, a creaking noise emanating underneath it. She wasn’t even aware of the pain. All that she could feel was ballooning red-hot anger, fueled by the anguish and despair she had been trying to keep pushed down.

“What in Creators do you want from me, Camlen?”

Camlen straightened, eyes sparking in that familiar challenging way. “What I want is to be on my way back to Wycome by now. But of course I have to stop everything and capitulate to you."

"This isn't about me!"

"Of course it is! The whole reason we're out here, in a snow storm, is because you lost the fenedhis token."

“I know this is my fault! Does reminding me of that fact make you happy somehow? Does seeing me upset please you?” Her hands curled into balls, nails digging into the skin, but she paid no mind to it, the tidal wave of emotion surging past the barriers she’d been trying to keep up since she’d left Sera’s tent. “I’m sorry that I can’t help the clan more! I’m sorry that Athros and Noranni think I’ve abandoned them! I'm sorry that I can’t go back and be First again! And I’m sorry my sister is dead!”

She was almost glad for the sharp gust of wind and wet snow against her face, causing her rambling to stop and provide her a moment to try and compose herself. But Camlen was not willing to give her such a reprieve.  

"You think that excuses you? That "I’m sorry" will simply erase everything? Even what you did to Bri?"

"I never said that it did! And you...you dare to act like I have no guilt? I'll never forgive myself for what I said to her," she said, her voice choking on the words. "I still have nightmares, imaging over and over what happened, the fear she must have felt, that she died alone! So don't stand there and lecture me like you're so innocent, like you didn't hurt her too!"

She was yelling now, her composure completely peeled away. Even over the gust of wind, she was sure the noise would carry. But her focus was entirely on Camlen, the anger churning inside her overriding whether caution she may have felt about Blackwall or Dorian overhearing.

Camlen's lips pierced to the point they turned white, left eye twitching again. "You didn't have to pull her body out of that water! You didn't have to untangle her! You didn't have to see her eyes staring lifelessly up at you! You were spared all that; just as you'll be if anything happens to the clan, my family, the Keeper! But me...I'll see their eyes staring up at me, haunting me like hers!"

"It won't happen!” she said, voice shaking, her heart racing and body trembling as those images took hold, the thought of Bri staring up with no life left within those bright hazel eyes enough to make Ellana’s stomach churn. “My soldiers will..."

He scoffed at her, stepping closer into her personal space. "You think you've changed? You're still overconfident, still think you know everything, and what's best for everyone! What happens if they don't? If the clan dies because of you, at least everyone will see you for the fraud that you are!"

Before she could stop herself, she pushed him back forcefully, causing him to stumble away from her, almost toppling over in the snow. “Dread Wolf take you! If you want to leave so badly, you can just...”

_“If you’re so desperate to leave us, then just go!”_

Ellana froze, the words echoing in her head. Those same words she had replayed in her mind hundreds, thousands, of times. Spoken with such vitriol, such anger. Towards the one person who had meant more to her than anything in the world. She could feel the weight of her knees begin to buckle underneath her. Clutching the nearby bedpost, she collapsed onto the nearby bed, broken frame sagging further into the snow. She buried her face into her hands, managing just enough to say, "I'm done fighting with you, Camlen. Just..."

She was cut off by the arrival of their other two companions. She almost wondered how they couldn't have been drawn to them before, with how loud she and Camlen had been.

"We heard yelling. What's going on? My lady, are you alright?"

She nodded, but she knew it hardly looked convincing, not with her shallow breathing, how slumped over her body was. Ellana couldn't bear to look up at Blackwall's concerned, sweet face. She probably would burst into tears on the spot.

"What did you do?" she heard him growl.

"We fought. That was it." She was surprised to hear Camlen not offer more of a defense, that his voice wasn’t as defiant as it could have been.

"Then what did you say to her?" Dorian questioned this time, his voice as harsh as it had been towards his father in Redcliffe.

But she couldn't handle anymore arguing. She was entirely tapped out, her body feeling incapable of supporting its own weight. All she wanted was to find the token. Was that truly so much to ask? "It's fine," she said, trying to sound assertive, but instead sounding small.

"He upset you," Blackwall said, for him clearly reason enough to continue grilling Camlen.

But she shook her head more forcefully this time. "Please, I can't...I can't handle this anymore." She glanced up at Camlen, whose face was mixed with lingering anger and a faint recognition that he might have actually gone too far. "I...I need..."

Without a further word, she stood up and walked out of the house ruins, pushing through the snow until she stopped at a cliff wall. She focused on her inhales and exhales, trying to calm her breathing, get to that more meditative place, but there was no peace to be found. Not when the last thing she said to her sister was floating around in her mind, a reminder of what she had caused. A reminder that she was a failure, the fraud that Camlen rightly called her.

Solid weight in the form of gloved hands came down on her shoulders. She barely moved at the contact, knowing who it would be.

"Ana?"

She shook her head. "Please, Blackwall, don't...not now."

She picked up on the sound of additional footsteps crunching through the snow closer to her. "I think we need to stop. She's exhausted, and the weather's only getting worse."

"You don't have to talk about her as if she isn't able to hear you."

"I wasn't. I was merely offering my opinion, out of concern for a dear friend. One which you certainly must share as her supportive partner."

She felt the pressure of his hands lift, as he rounded on Dorian, "This is not the time to start something, _mage_."

"I believe _you're_ the one doing that. And not for the first time today! Need we forget our little heart to heart around the fire?"

"Dorian, you..."

“Stop it!”

Snow on the edge of the above cliff wall fell at the volume of her yell. She spun around, fixing a piercing stare at the two men, who fell silent and wide-eyed at her angered cry.

“Stop this, this sniping, the yelling! You both promised me it would stop! I’m sick of it!” The fact she was doing that very thing barely registered, taking a sharp breath before continuing her tirade. “It never solves anything! It only causes people to get hurt! And it…” She choked on the words. “It gets people killed!”

Tears finally escaped, their warmth quickly fleeting once hitting her cold face. "I'm not going to stop looking for it! I can't! I can't be responsible for losing this, not when..."

She couldn't say it. She hadn't been able to say it aloud since the early days after it happened.

After Bri died. All because of her.

“If all you're going to do is snap at each other, then I don't need your help! Just...Dread Wolf take you both!”

Ellana ignored their calls and refused to look at their faces as she walked away. She moved with no real purpose, her legs aimlessly leading her to camp rather than back out onto the path below, struggling to keep her knees from buckling underneath her. She hoped none of the soldiers would see her face, see the tears freezing on her cheeks, but they weren’t facing her or close enough to see her clearly through the snowfall.

When Ellana finally made it to the nearest tent, she tied the flaps tightly shut behind her, a sob escaping her as she finished. She finally collapsed onto the ground, sitting with knees digging into her chest, wrapping her arms around them. Ellana didn't bother wiping away the tears, just letting them fall, hoping that release she had been holding back would help. Though the thought of never finding her sister's token, of letting her down again by not safeguarding her keepsake, only brought more tears.

Ellana was unsure how long she sat there, alone with her misery, but the wind continued to pick up, causing the tent to rustle. She also reached a point of numb calmness. She was surprised no one had come to check on her yet; not that she wanted anyone to. Ellana didn’t want to see Camlen or deal with the aftermath of her yelling at Dorian and Blackwall. All Ellana wanted at the moment was to continue the search for Bri’s token.

As she listened to the wind whip outside, she racked her brain, checking off every place they had searched, certain they had thoroughly retraced their steps. The only place she could think of was Valeska's Watch. She thought she had had it when they came back to camp, but now she wasn't certain, her memory seeming murky. She hadn't taken it out, just thought she had felt it in her pocket. But maybe she really hadn't. Maybe it had fallen out in the chaos of fighting all those darkspawn. It still might come to nothing, but it was better than sitting in the tent, wallowing.

Ignoring every instinct in her body warning her against going out in this type of weather, when she had almost frozen to death last time, she poked her head out. No one was milling about now, not with the snow coming down heavily and the wind whipping like crazy. The coast clear, she made her way over to where the closest platform was, only casting a ball of light to guide her through the thick snowfall once she was on the lower landing, out of sight of any of the other tents.

* * *

 

_Ellana walked back to the tent she shared with Bri, rubbing at her forehead, headache already at full force, pressure at her temples. Nothing had seemed to go right that day. One of the wooden beams supporting the hoods on their aravels broke, two of their halla had taken sick, a fight had broken out which the Keeper had to step in and resolve. Now it appeared Master Sorvel had come down with a fever again, one which Ellana had to attend to. She had to go back to their tent to fetch her journal, as she couldn't recall the exact order of ingredients to make for the potion needed. It didn't make things easier that Master Sorvel was lying at the opposite end of Ellana's and Bri's tent, which meant walking in the pouring down rain._

_She briefly wondered on her walk what state she'd find her sister in._

_The backlash had been swift, but not unexpected. The Keeper didn't tell the clan everything. For Bri's sake, she had left out the part of feeling dissatisfied with clan life. But there was enough. That Bri had allowed herself to be manipulated by Cassius. Opinion was divided. A few were openly vindictive, but most of those who clearly found Bri at fault for putting the clan at risk and indirectly causing Master Sorvel's injury simply distanced themselves and refused to talk to her. There were those more supportive and open to forgiving her and moving forward (Marelwyn and Neras for one, the Keeper, even Master Sorvel who said he did not begrudge Bri), but they were not the majority._

_Ellana wasn't sure what to feel._

_She saw what a toll the past two and a half weeks had taken on Bri. Gone was the outgoing, bubbly sister she knew. In her place was one who was quiet, sad, and shut herself away. Apparently the last time she had gone on a hunt, it had been with Camlen (one of the few Bri told the full extent of what happened) and it didn't go well, him refusing to talk to her or even meet her eyes. She had only managed one clean shot. She’d refused to go on any others since, which had only made things worse, further proof to many in the clan how selfish she was._

_Ellana had tried talking to her, but eventually grew tired of Bri's refusal to tell her anything. Not that it would have made things easier if she had. Ellana still wasn't sure what she could say without getting emotional herself, without revealing how hurt she was that Bri might have considered leaving without a word, without even saying goodbye._

_She stepped into their tent with a sigh, shaking off the water. All she really wanted to do was go lay down for a moment, but she didn't have that luxury yet. Not until Master Sorvel was treated. As she suspected, Bri was sitting on her bedroll, knees up to her chest, toying with her token. But her head actually perked up at the sight of Ellana._

_"Ellana. I need to talk to you." The bit of nervousness in her eyes didn't fully register with Ellana, who was intent on getting her journal and pushing back against the discomfort from her forehead._

_"It's going to have to wait for a bit, Bri," she said, crouching down and digging through her satchel, pulling out her journal in little time._

_"But it's really impo-"_

_Ellana then spun around, the journal almost dropping from her hands. "Creators, can't you think of anyone but yourself for once? Master Sorvel has a fever, and the Keeper isn't here. I have to go treat him. Now is not the time!"_

_Bri shrunk at the news, whatever life had been breathed into her suddenly blown out. "Ir abelas..."_

_Maybe it was the long, miserable day. Maybe it was her head pounding. Maybe it was because she was tired of seeing Bri this way. Maybe it was because Ellana felt guilty, and sad, and angry about everything that had happened. But she was unable to hold back the harsh lash of, "Is that really all you have to say for yourself? That you're sorry?"_

_Bri's gaze darted away from hers, staring down at the ground. The sight only made Ellana more irate, the stress of the day and her emotions taking control._

_"Do you even realize...look at the damage you've caused! The clan is entirely divided, even among the children! You put all of us in danger and Master Sorvel might not be able to hunt again because he came after you! And instead of trying to move on and fix the damage you've done, you just stay in here and mope all day!"_

_"I..." Bri's voice trembled. "I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I just..."_

_"Well, you did. You hurt all of us! Including me!"_

_Bri didn't say anything or move, just seemed to shrink even further under Ellana's heated gaze._

_"I just don't understand how you could think about doing it. How could all our years together mean nothing to you, that you were thinking of leaving it all behind? Without even telling us?"_

_"No, they...I...!" Bri broke off in a shaky breath, eyes closing as if to hold back tears. But Ellana was far too angry now for the sight to affect her, even just a bit, like it normally would._

_"Obviously they didn't mean much," Ellana answered snidely for her. "How do I know that you won't want to leave again? Is that it? Is that really why you're not even bothering to fix your relationship with the clan? With me?"_

_"Ellana, please..."_

_Ellana could feel her hold on her magic slipping, warmth crackling in her hands. She clenched them into fists as she sent another shot at Bri, weeks of raw hurt fueling her words, "That's it, isn't it? If you’re so desperate to leave us, then just go!"_

_Bri froze in place, mouth agape and staring up at Ellana in disbelief and shock, tears in her eyes. Ellana quickly looked away from Bri, knowing she needed to just leave the tent before she became more agitated and couldn't make the potion for Master Sorvel at all._

_She clutched her journal to her chest and headed back out into the rain, feeling cool against her heated cheeks, not once looking back at her sister's crushed face._


	8. -8-

**-8-**

"We can't just sit here. It's turned into a blizzard out there. She can't be out in this."

Blackwall cursed himself for not trying to check on her sooner, for thinking things would be better if he gave her some time alone. Who knew how long it had been? Now the sun was starting to set and the winter storm was at its most ferocious so far. And the only clue they had to go on was one lone Inquisition soldier, a lad braving the cold to tend to a brazier, informing him he thought he had seen someone in the distance heading north. Maker, what if she froze before they even set out to find her?

"We'll have to follow what lead we have, then. We have to presume she was heading to check the outpost," Dorian said, already grabbing for the spare cloak he had found in a sack inside the tent. "Maker knows what she must have been thinking, going out there alone."

"Maybe to get as far away from all of us as possible?" Blackwall knew he should've just held his tongue earlier, knew that was the last thing Ellana needed. Whatever lingering frustration he held towards Dorian, he was willing to put it aside now to find her.

"Suppose I wouldn't blame her for that," Dorian said. It was the closest to an apology between them they would get. It was enough, for now. "I hate to suggest it, but perhaps we should try and enlist Camlen in the search. There was a reason Ellana wanted him to help before. And it couldn't have had anything to do with his personality."

Blackwall was just as reluctant to agree to it. Camlen had brushed them off earlier when they had checked in the tent he had retreated to. And Blackwall doubted he would be receptive to them again. But Dorian was right. Ellana had wanted Camlen helping to find her sister's token, whether it was to have another body or because he was good at tracking things down. Whatever the reason had been, Blackwall could care less. So long as they could get Camlen's help in finding her now.

They found him just as they had left him, sitting on the firm ground, turning his bow this way and that in his hands, gaze fixed on the ribbon tied to its bottom. A change to how they had seen him just a few moments before, his whetstone out, sharpening a knife. His head shot up and his eyes narrowed as a greeting at Blackwall and Dorian both squeezing themselves into the tight tent space. "What do you shems want now?"

Blackwall shook off the large snowflakes which stuck on his beard and hair. "She's missing from camp. My lady Ellana."

Camlen set the bow down. "You're certain?"

"Very." Blackwall crossed his arms. "You don't seem surprised at all by this."

"I'm not. Even if you do find her, you won't get her to stop looking."

"You seem quite certain of that," Dorian said.

"This isn't the first time I've seen her like this," he said, though he infuriatingly refused to elaborate further.

"We still need to find her,” Blackwall stressed, trying not to let the image of Ellana fighting against the wind and cold, lost and alone, settle in his mind. “She can't be out in this."

"And you need my help, I assume?" he asked impassively.

"Well, don't stand up all at once. If your schedule's too busy..."

Camlen glared at Dorian. "You don't know anything about me, shem."

"And you know us?" Dorian asked.

"I know that you..." He pointed at Blackwall. "Are part of the reason I'm stuck here."

Before Blackwall could ask what he meant by that, before his dread from earlier that Camlen _had_ talked to Ellana about him could come back, Camlen focused his attention on Dorian.

"And you, shem. You think I don't know what Tevinter does to elves?" Blackwall couldn't be sure, but it almost sounded a bit personal for him. But Ellana had never treated Dorian with any kind of deep distrust as Camlen did. Perhaps a bit cautious and uncertain when they first met, from what he could remember, but she quickly warmed up to him.  

"Whatever sins my homeland has committed, we can argue and debate later." Dorian held out the spare cloak that had been stuffed in with the other. "Unless, of course, you wish to waste the time and increase the chances of finding Ellana frozen to death, then by all means..."

Camlen's sharp gaze went from the both of them, swinging back and forth, revealing nothing behind it. Then he stood up, gathering his bow and taking the cloak from Dorian's hand without so much of a thanks, pushing past him back into the outside. Blackwall followed him out, intent to just get on with the search.

It was clear how shoddy visibility was, barely able to see a few feet in front of him, causing him to have to tread carefully when all he wanted to do was bolt from place to place. It was a rare day where he could be thankful for all the red lyrium piled around, offering a faint glow as a light source. The heavy cloaks helped stave off the worst of the cold, but the face ended up taking the most abuse from the wind and snow, causing him to raise his shield as a protective covering over his head. He called for Ellana once, but his voice was drowned out by the gust of wind.

This was too close to before, when they thought her lost in the snow forever. But that was before, when he’d realized he had been fond of her in a way he’d known he shouldn't be, cared for her, now...now was so much different. Now she meant everything to him. She was his lady, his love. His Ana. And he didn’t know how he’d be able to live in a world without her in it again.

Blackwall lost track of what ground they had covered, how close they may have been to the outpost entrance, how long they had been out there searching for her, how close Dorian or Camlen were. Only aware of an occasional warmth spreading through him, courtesy of a heating spell from Dorian. But the heat never lasted long before the bite of the cold came nipping back. It didn’t help that snowflakes stubbornly clung to his beard, the cold seeping onto the skin under his chin.

After passing the same pile of stone twice, he was about to call the others to him to reconvene, only for his gaze to focus on something that stood out in the sea of white and eerie red glow. He carefully made his way towards it, picking up speed when he thought he made out an arm resting in the pile of snow.  

His heart stopped in his chest at the sight of a familiar figure, sprawled out on the snow, the back of her cloak flapping in the wind, her staff lying in the snow beside her.

Still. So sickeningly still.

_Mockingbird, mockingbird, quiet and still..._

Stifling the wounded cry rising in his throat, he called for Camlen and Dorian in a respite between gusts of wind. He rushed over to Ellana, getting down on his knees. "My lady? My lady, can you hear me?"

He hadn't noticed until he was beside her, the slight shiver coursing through her body. And it was almost a relief to see, that there was still life in her. But she did not answer him or open her eyes. He turned her over onto her back, gathered her to him so her head rested on his thigh. He touched her cheek, wiping away the snow and gingerly tapping.

"My lady? Ana, it's Blackwall. Please talk to me." He came as close to begging her as he ever had. He couldn't lose her. Not like this.  If he had to watch her slip away from him, powerless to do anything to stop it...

Ellana shifted, her eyes barely cracking open. But Maker, it was enough for the knot in his stomach to unclench. She then reached up and touched his beard, tugging it weakly. She mouthed something, but Blackwall couldn't make out what it was. He leaned in closer, until his cheek was practically resting on her forehead.

"Ir abelas, ir abelas...please forgive me."

Blackwall wasn't certain if she was talking to him, about leaving the camp without their knowledge in a snowstorm, or if her plea of forgiveness was directed towards someone else.

"How is she?"

To his credit, Blackwall didn't startle too much when Dorian appeared at his side. "Freezing. We need to get her to the outpost, build a fire."

Dorian quickly cast a heating spell on her, his gaze then circling around him in the haze of snow, casting a wispy ball of light above them. "I thought I spotted the entrance...aha, there it is, just over there!" He pointed over to their left, Blackwall just barely catching the frames of what appeared to be doors. So she had been close to reaching it before she collapsed.

"One of us will have to carry her."

Blackwall nodded. He didn't know how much of a struggle it would be with his shoulder, but he wouldn't let that stop him. "I'll take her."

"I'll take her staff, then. Now we just need...shit, now where did he go off to?"

Blackwall called out for him, but received no answer. As much tension there seemed to be between them, Blackwall did not believe Ellana would wish harm to come to him, especially if he was her sister's best friend. He was just about to suggest that Dorian go take Ellana while he went out and searched for him when a shadow inched towards them, fighting against the wind.

"We found her. We need to get her to that outpost just over there, get a fire going."

Camlen lowered his hands from his face, his hood caked with snow. "Let's get her inside, then."

Needing no further incentive, Blackwall gathered her more securely in his arms, but not before gently cupping the side of face and whispering, "Hold on, Ana."

Making it that short distance almost seemed just as endless as their aimless wandering had been, the force of the wind and fall of the snow ensuring that they had to tread slowly. He gave a small sigh of relief once they finally made it to the entrance and the door was shut behind them, already feeling better not being battered around in the merciless wind and cold. Blackwall hurried down the steps, needing to get Ellana under the warmth of the wall torch. She was back to shivering in his arms, Dorian's heating spell clearly beginning to wear off.

He was not prepared for it at all, once he stepped into the hallway entrance, for the darkspawn to come leaping out from behind the stone slab to his right. He just managed to avoid its swings, but lost his balance on the step to his left. He shielded Ellana from the fall, folding his arm over her head, landing on his back. The darkspawn looked to lunge, but an arrow whizzed through the air, right in its neck. To be finished off by Dorian with a blast of fire, causing it to be flung back against the far wall and landing with a crash back down to the stone floor.

"Well, that happened. You alright, Blackwall? Is Ellana?" Dorian asked, stepping out into view.

"Fine." He got up with a groan. "I thought we took care of all of them."

"So did I. Sealing that tunnel should have kept any others out." Dorian then looked at him curiously. "Did you not sense it, as we were coming in?"  

 _Fuck._ He dreaded the times Ellana had taken him along and they encountered darkspawn. Everyone had always turned to him, having some idea that Grey Wardens could sense them, but not exactly how it worked. And every time he would have to lie, make assumptions or state the threat in generalities  

"I was distracted," he said, a defensive edge in his voice.

Dorian didn’t press the issue as Blackwall feared he would, instead stating, “I’ll go check on the seal, then. Make sure we have no more surprises. And retrieve some wood for a fire. Maker knows we could all use one.”

“I’m coming with you,” Camlen said to Blackwall’s surprise.

Dorian sounded just as shocked as Blackwall when he replied in a sarcastic retort, “And here I thought you didn’t trust me enough to be around me.”

“I don’t,” Camlen said, in a deadpan affirmative, already heading for the door.

Once the two left the hallway, Blackwall slunk against the wall, positioning himself so Ellana was at the same level with the torchlight. But after awhile, the ache in his shoulder went from dull to an intense throb. It wouldn't do her any favors dropping her to the floor.

He sat himself down right underneath, setting Ellana between his legs and propping himself up against the stone wall, hoping the proximity to the heat would be sufficient for Ellana until Dorian and Camlen arrived back with some wood for a fire. He pressed a brief kiss against her forehead, skin not nearly as warm as he would like. Maker, how had the day gotten to this point?

Sera was right. This place was too fucking cold and miserable.

His focus was then diverted by the stirrings of the woman in his arms. "My lady?"

"Cold." Her answer came out in a puff of frigid air. "So cold."

He ran his gloved hands over her arms, trying to rub some warmth back into them. "I know, my lady. We'll get a fire going soon."

She grabbed onto some of his gambeson, loosely fisting it in her hand. "I'm sorry."

Blackwall hugged her closer. "No. _I'm_ sorry. You didn't need that, us arguing."

He felt her shake her head. "Pushed you all away. Like I did to Bri. Then she ran away. And..." She trailed off with a faint wounded noise. "She needed me. I failed her."

He didn't know what to say. It didn't help he had no idea of the full extent of what happened. And he didn't want to risk upsetting her further, not when she was so out of it, not when she needed rest.

"Shh." He cupped the back of her head, stroking and pressing a kiss into her hair. "It's alright, love. Just get some rest."

"No..." the word choked in her throat, tears falling past shut eyelids. "My fault. All of it."

His heart ached, hearing that note of absolute regret, of guilt, of self-loathing. Emotions he was all too familiar with. Emotions that only a low-life like him deserved.

He continued holding her, murmuring nonsense words and giving comforting kisses, until she fell silent again, fallen asleep. He was almost at risk of joining her when Dorian and Camlen finally came back, arms full of wood and with reports that the seal had been reapplied. Once the fireplace was set up in the corner, Blackwall laid Ellana down beside it, removing his cloak for her to use as a cushion for her head and tucking her own cloak around her as a warm cocoon.

A discussion then turned to food, having been many hours since they had eaten anything. Which led Blackwall to remember that Ellana always carried some hardtack around with her (always thinking ahead, his lady) in her satchel. It was completely frozen when he pulled it out, requiring some time to thaw it out by the fire so no one broke a tooth trying to chew on it. He divided it into fourths, passing some to Dorian. He then held out a piece for Camlen, who eyed him for a moment, before taking it with a curt nod.

It was afterwards decided they would take rests in shifts, with Camlen volunteering to take the first one. But whatever urge of sleep Blackwall had before, it seemed to have disappeared now. He reached out to Ellana, brushing his hand against her face, pushing back her hair, noting the color appearing on her cheeks. The fire was doing its job.

He glanced over at Camlen, leaning up against the wall in the middle of the hallway, continuing to keep himself at a distance. He was a difficult one to figure out. Camlen obviously had no love for him, yet he had still saved him from that darkspawn. Course Blackwall had also been holding onto Ellana, but Camlen clearly had no love for her either. He had hardly forgotten their fight, how upset it had made Ellana. The way Camlen seemed to have no regard for her feelings. Blackwall wondered if he had always been like this, this aloof, this sharp. Ellana had said he and her sister had been good friends. Was it possible his attitude changed once she died?

Determined, he lifted himself up off the stone floor, knee popping as he straightened. He walked over to Camlen, who didn't even acknowledge his presence at first. Until finally, when Blackwall refused to leave, he looked him in the eye, with an air of annoyance. "What is it, shem?"

"I didn't get the chance to say it earlier...thanks for saving me, back there with the darkspawn.

"I didn't do it for you."

"Not one to accept appreciation easily, are you?"

"I didn't seek it in the first place." Camlen rested his hands over the top of his bow. "So what do you hope to gain?"

Blackwall crossed his arms, tensing at the suspicious tone. "From what?"

"Being with her." He gestured over to Ellana. "There must be something in it for you."

Blackwall held his tongue, curbing his initial reaction to react defensively. That would not get him answers to his questions about Camlen. And he had to remember Camlen represented Ellana’s clan. Regardless of how Camlen may spin it to them, Blackwall still wanted to try and present the best impression of himself that he could to them.

"If you mean coin or power, no. There isn't." Things he would have wanted before, in another life. The only thing he hoped to gain was continue to be worthy of Ellana’s love, and in that, find proof he was in fact a better man. Not that he'd admit that last part to Camlen. "I'm surprised you'd even care about her well-being. Or why you bothered to come help us. Considering how you act towards her."

"I don't have to explain myself to you, shem."

"You'll be hard-pressed to force me to leave until you give me something." And Blackwall _had_ answered his question; it was only fair Camlen do the same for his.

Camlen made a disgruntled noise, but then he offered with reluctance, "There's years of hard feelings between us. But I don't wish her harm. She's still Bri's sister. She's still one of the clan, our First. At least for now."

"What does that mean?"

"I could have just left her mother's staff at your fortress and been on my way. But our Keeper wanted me to talk to her. About you. We'd heard the rumors. Keeper Deshanna was not happy she wasn't told about the two of you."

His eyes widened at the revelation, finding out Camlen's purpose for being there. So the conversation _had_ been about him, just not how he feared. And Ellana hadn't told her Keeper or anyone in the clan about their relationship? At all?

But as he thought on it, he never recalled Ellana saying that she had written to them about it. Was she ashamed? It couldn't be; she never seemed to care of others' opinions about their relationship. Or was it more likely she knew they would disapprove of it? A thought then popped into his head that made his stomach churn. Was it possible that if her Keeper knew and told Ellana to end things between them, his lady would feel she had no choice and do it? But there had never been any hesitation or sense of struggle with her about it, not like with him. At least none that he saw; Ellana wore her emotions on her sleeve more than he ever did.

"Is there a problem, then?" Blackwall asked, making every effort to hide the dread rising up within him.

"Could be. Depends on what I tell her. And how she'll still feel about it."

"And what do you plan on telling her?" Blackwall asked, half-expecting him to proclaim the worst.

“Why would I tell you that?”

He should have seen that coming. “Because it also concerns me. Trust me when I say that my affections towards her are genuine.”

“That’s the thing. I _don’t_ trust you. Or the one from Tevinter. Nothing good comes from getting cozy with shems."

"That sounds personal."

"Shems threaten my clan's and family's safety. A shem's actions caused injury to my mentor, and the death of my best friend. Is that personal enough for you?"  

Wait...best friend? Ellana hadn't mentioned anyone in her clan dying during the operation on Wycome. Could it be...?

"You mean my lady Ellana's sister? What exactly happened?"

"Go ask her when she's up to it," Camlen said with a dismissive tone, indicating Ellana with a sharp jerk of his head. "You haven't earned the right from me to tell you what happened." Then he looked at him with a mix of slight puzzlement and what Blackwall swore was satisfaction. "Would've thought she'd tell you. Maybe she doesn't trust you as much as you think."

He ignored how much the comment cut him, wouldn't let Camlen see a reaction. The problem wasn't doubt in her trusting him too little; it was that he knew she trusted him _too much_.

"It seems difficult for her to talk about."

As much as he wanted to know, he couldn't ask her. Not only to spare her from bringing up obviously painful memories, but asking probing questions about her past that she may feel she could ask about his own.

"As it should be." Camlen's eyes studied him, to the point of Blackwall feeling uncomfortable, like he was scanning Blackwall's soul, searching for that stain on it. "You wondered why I bothered to help, shem? All you need to know...is I know what it's like to want to hold onto something." It didn't escape Blackwall's notice, the way his grip shifted to holding onto the ribbon tied to his bow as he said it.

Before he could attempt to ask more about it, Camlen cut him off, stating in plain terms that he wished to be alone for the rest of his time on watch. Sensing he wasn't going to get any further answers or sway Camlen's opinion on him by continuing to push, Blackwall headed back to the corner, where Dorian and Ellana still lay asleep.

He settled on his side, resting his head on his forearm. With his left hand, he searched underneath Ellana's cloak for her own, gently clasping it in his. Thoughts swirled in his head, about what could have happened to Ellana's sister, about Camlen, about Ellana, about their Keeper. Until he finally fell asleep to the crackling of the fire.

* * *

_Most of the hunters were starting to murmur about calling off the search. But Ellana wouldn't. She didn't care if she had to be out there all night in the rain if that's what it took. No one was making her leave this forest until she came back with her sister._

_She ran off ahead of the group, scanning the forest floor, the tree limbs above her, with the ball of light she had summoned to her hand, shielding her eyes from the rain, droplets running off her hand._

_"Bri!"_

_Only Ellana's voice echoed back to her._

_She turned another corner, almost tripping over a tree root. "Bri, ir abelas! Please come back!"_

_The forest was quiet except for the steady fall of rain, still no answer from her sister. She tried to recall what Bri had shown her about tracking in the rain, the signs to look for, but she’d ended up just running through the trees, frantically looking around. She didn't know whether she was going to strangle Bri first or hug her tightly and never let her go._

_She couldn't have gone far. Ellana hadn't left her longer than a few hours. Bri had to be hiding amongst one of the trees. But the night and wind were getting colder, and it had been raining much harder earlier. She'd be at risk of freezing if she hadn't grabbed anything warmer to wear, which she likely hadn't, given how undisturbed their tent had been._

_Ellana lost track of where she turned, ending up at a landing overlooking the nearby waterfall. The rickety makeshift bridge that had been there before was completely gone, a casualty of the storm most likely, the only remains being some rope swinging in the wind on the other side._

_She summoned another ball of light, trying to retrace her steps best she could. She slipped on the wet, muddy grass, falling face first. She wiped away the smears of mud across her mouth and jaw, scrambling to pick herself up as quickly as she had fallen. Her elbow stung a bit from the impact, but she ignored it, rushing down and continuing to call out Bri's name._

_She was growing more worried by the minute and, if she was honest with herself, scared. She hadn't meant to lose her temper with Bri. She really hadn't. It had been unfair, the things she had said, she knew that, jumping all over Bri without letting her get a word in. Bri was suffering enough. To think that, perhaps, Bri had taken Ellana's words to heart, and had left..._

_No. She couldn't think like that. Bri was just hiding up in the trees, like she sometimes did when she needed a moment away, when she was really upset. Ellana would find her soon enough. She had to._

_She didn't realize she had made it back down to the start of the path until she had encountered someone from the clan, practically colliding into him. Felrion. Words were barely out of his mouth that Bri had been found and he had just pointed in the direction of the location when she took off like a bird in flight, ignoring his call to stop, that there was something she needed to know._

_When she arrived, most of the other hunters were already there, gathered in a clump, shielding her from view of her sister on the other side of them._

_It took her a moment to note the somber faces._

_It took her a moment to push her way through, to see Bri lying on the ground, Camlen on his knees beside her._

_It took her a moment for the sight to sink in, Bri beside a wet pile of wooden planks and roping, not moving._

_It took her a moment to hear a shrill, pained scream._

_It took her a moment to realize the sound had come from her._

_And it took her less than a moment to reach Bri's side, practically pulling Bri into her arms, summoning every bit of healing magic she knew to revive her. But still, she did not move._

_"Bri! Bri! Brianya!"_

_She ran her hands over Bri's face, the color already drained from it, the gash on the side of her head already congealing. Already so cold._

_"No, no, no. Bri, wake up! You have to wake up!"_

_She tried again and again, to the point she drained her mana completely away. To absolutely no avail._

_She frantically called for someone to find the Keeper. The Keeper had to be able to do something. She had to._

_She screamed at them again when no one moved, for someone to go and find her, tears starting to gather in her eyes. All it took was for Camlen -disbelief, shock and grief on his face- voice broken, to say "She's dead," for the tears to fall._

_She pressed her cheek into the top of Bri's soaked head, body-wracking sobs consuming her as she rocked Bri back and forth. This had to be a nightmare; it had to be. She would wake up and Bri would be right there beside her with that teasing smile on her face, ready to take on the day. She would take back everything she said and Bri would forgive her and they could move forward from what had happened. Not this, lying still in Ellana's arms, no longer able to hear her sister's cries and pleas of forgiveness._

_"Ir abelas...ir abelas..."_

_She was lost in a babble of incoherent noises and repeating of how sorry she was. She couldn't bury her sister after burying her father and mam. She didn't have the strength to do that, too._

_Her sobs eventually subsided, but she did not move. She couldn't bear to open her eyes and see Bri's pale face. This brutal reminder of how she had failed her._

_"Da'len. Let her go."_

_She hadn't heard the Keeper finally arrive. She hadn't even felt the Keeper touch her shoulder. She couldn't feel anything except the weight of her sister's body in her arms, a weight she couldn't make herself let go._

_But somehow she did, or someone was able to take Bri from her arms. It never registered when her legs began to move, or when she was pulled away with an arm around her shoulders. Words spoken around her sounded unclear, murky; her entire body was numb, consumed by the one sole thought swirling around in her head: that Bri was dead, and it was her fault._


	9. -9-

**-9-**

The last thing Ellana remembered was collapsing into a soft pile of snow, the wind whistling around her, the cold seeping through her clothing despite her best efforts to keep warm. Now as she slowly woke, feeling more rested than she had for quite some time, she no longer felt frozen and it was quiet, save for the snatches of words she caught from voices nearby.

"Right piss-pot that one is."

"What gave it away?"

"The way he looks at us.  All judgy. And elfy. Good thing Quizzy's not like that."

By the time Ellana turned on her side, eyes cracking open, ready to ask how Sera had gotten there when she could barely prop herself up last Ellana saw her, Sera had disappeared. This left only Dorian standing by the tent opening. At Ellana’s soft call, he turned to face her, relief on his face.

"Good to see you up. How are you feeling?"

She propped herself up, untangling herself from the numerous blankets that had been piled up around her. "Where are we?"

"Back at camp. Blackwall, Camlen, and I came back with you. We found you out in the snow after...well, after."

The memories slowly came back to her. The argument with Camlen; Blackwall and Dorian bickering and losing her temper at them; going out to Valeska's Watch in a blizzard, without telling anyone. Creators, what had she been thinking?

Except she knew she hadn't been thinking. She had been overcome with a desperate urge to find her sister’s halla token, consuming her entire being with a fervor she hadn’t felt since that terrible night searching for her sister.  

For his part, Dorian looked quite contrite about his role in what happened. "I'm sorry, Ellana. We didn't intend to cause _you_ more distress. I hope you know that."

She nodded. "I do. And I shouldn't have lost it like that. It just wasn't what I needed. _I'm_ sorry you had go out and find me."

His face softened. "I wasn't about to leave my dearest friend out in the snow." The familiar teasing expression then appeared back on his face. "Not to mention that certainly would've made for an awkward homecoming back to Skyhold. I'm not entirely sure who’d want to kill us first. Leliana, Josephine, or Cullen?"

She laughed, appreciating him trying to lighten the mood. "Probably more likely Cassandra. She really wanted to come on this one."

"Maker knows why, nothing but snow and cold and red lyrium and more snow out here. Next time we go out on assignment, Ellie, might I suggest a middle ground between melting into a puddle and freezing our ass cheeks off?"

"I'll see what I can do." She then bit her lip, resolving to ask the question even though she suspected the answer, knowing it would likely dampen what better mood there was. "Is it too much to hope you found it?"

"I wish I could say we did, but..."

She sighed, feeling beaten down with an almost sad acceptance (instead of frantic as when she first discovered it missing) over what was looking to be its permanent loss, an echo of the range of emotion she’d gone through from the moment she saw Bri’s body lying on that ground. "I was afraid you'd say that."  

Dorian seemed a bit surprised. Understandable after how she had acted yesterday. "Some of our soldiers volunteered to be on the lookout for it, but the recent snowstorm..."

"I understand." Even though she wished she didn’t. But she couldn’t stay out there, searching the snowy paths of Emprise du Lion forever. She would have to settle for her soldiers just keeping an eye out while on duty. She was Inquisitor; that still had to come first, no matter how much yet another personal loss would hurt.

Once again, she must endure.

Dorian patted her on the shoulder. "Blackwall said to let him know when you were awake. Suppose I should go and tell him."

It occurred to her as Dorian left that she had no idea how long she had been out. The storm must have been over if they felt it safe enough to travel down to the main camp. She wondered if Camlen was still there, had bothered to stick around once they got back.

Dorian must not have had to go far, as it seemed Blackwall came in shortly after, a bowl of what she assumed was steaming soup or stew in his hands.

"Ana."

He stopped just short of her, his eyes not quite meeting hers, as if not knowing where he stood. She held her arms out, letting him know that things were well between them now. Setting the bowl down, he knelt in front of her, his arms coming around her at the same time as hers.

She buried her head into the crook of his neck. "Ir abelas, vhenan."

"You don't have to apologize. I shouldn't have started something with Dorian. You didn't need that."

"I didn't. But it was still no excuse for me to lose control like that." She laid her hand over his shoulder. "Did you carry me back, the entire way?"

He nodded. "It had to be me."

She kneaded his shoulder through the padding of his gambeson, brushing her lips against it when he winced ever so slightly at her touch. "Thank you. I'm just sorry you had to."

Blackwall planted a kiss on her brow. "Don't be."

He handed her the bowl, which her rumbling stomach appreciated. "How long was I out?"

"Found you passed out as it was getting dark. We had to wait out the storm til early morning at that Warden outpost we cleared out. Probably around noon now."

No wonder she woke up feeling so rested. She hadn't had such a deep sleep in ages. Just not how she would have preferred to get it.

The wisps of memories came back to her, the wind and cold no longer striking her, light above her and Blackwall's arms around her and his voice whispering to her. She remembered telling him something, but that was still fuzzy, not clear enough for her to remember.

"Did I say anything?" she asked, after tipping back a mouthful of soup. A bit bitter, for her tastes, but at least it was something warm. "While I was out of it?"

Blackwall looked reluctant to mention it, as if the knowledge would upset her, but he admitted at her additional insistence, "You said something about failing your sister. That you pushed us away like you did to her."

She cast her eyes down, suddenly finding the content of her meal more interesting. "Oh."

He reached for her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. "You don't have to explain if you don't want to. If it hurts too much to talk about."

Ellana nodded, unable to do much else, thankful he understood. She knew it was still a struggle, to make herself believe that Bri's death had just been a terrible accident, bad luck of Bri being in the wrong place at the wrong time. But Ellana always came back to it, the thought that if she hadn't lost her temper, chased Bri away when she had actually shown a willingness to talk to Ellana, she wouldn't have been out in that storm. She wouldn't have crossed that makeshift bridge at the time it finally gave way from the force of the wind and rain. She wouldn't have been so upset to realize that crossing it would be a risk.

Ellana then returned his squeeze with one of her own, turning her attention to working on her meal. "Did Camlen leave yet?"

He shook his head. "He's still here. Said he'd stick around until you woke up."

Part of her was surprised that he had bothered. But the other was reassured at the gesture. He hadn't completely disregarded her.

"I need to talk to him."

Blackwall frowned. "Certain that's a good idea, my lady?"

"The sooner I do this, the sooner he can head back to Wycome." She sent him a reassuring look. "I'll be fine, Blackwall."

Creators help her, she wasn't going to let this parting devolve into another yelling match.

He got up from the ground with a grunt. "Long as you're sure. I'll go get him, then." He kissed her again, faint against her lips, before leaving her alone in the tent.

She sipped thoughtfully on the broth as she waited, wondering what to say to Camlen, how to take back any things she'd said in the heat of the moment, if he held any remorse for the words on his end.

Whether she was ready or not mattered little when he came through the tent, bow already strapped to his back, knives sheathed at his belt, and satchel strung across his hip. He had clearly been ready to go for awhile.

But the first thing that struck her was how strangely subdued he seemed. He should have been chomping at the bit to get the first word in. They both stared at each other, as if seeing who would be the one to make the first move.

"I'm not sure what to say," Ellana finally admitted.

"That's a first." Camlen sighed, kicking at a patch of dried-out grass. "Look, about yesterday. I didn't mean it. Not entirely."

"You said multiple things about me," she said, though without any type of accusatory tone. "About me being a fraud, for one. Do you really think that?" It was one of the things that stuck out the most about their fight, the thing that’d really struck a nerve. 

"I've had to work hard to get to where I am. You've had a lot given to you," he said, avoiding answering the question directly. 

"I didn't _ask_ for any of it." Certainly not for her mam to die and Ellana deemed her successor, not for this Mark to be bestowed on her hand and become Herald and Inquisitor. 

"You enjoy the power of it, though. The authority."

"What I enjoy is the ability to help people, not whatever authority being Inquisitor may give me. It honestly scares me how much my decisions can affect so many, that I have to make calls on things I’m barely qualified on.” Such as the fate of the Wardens, the ruling of Orlais. Decisions made on orders and empires that she’d barely known anything about before the Conclave, that had been around for centuries.

“What about as First?”

“Maybe I did once,” she admitted.

"Maybe?" he asked with a scoff.

"Fine," she said with an irritated frown. "I _did_ once. I don't anymore." She sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. "But I didn't ask you here to get into another argument. _I_ meant it when I said I'm tired of fighting with you, Camlen."

"It's what comes naturally to us, isn't it? Do you really think that'll change?"

"Only if we don't make that effort, since Bri's no longer..." She trailed off, knowing that even if Bri were there, it still might've not made a difference.

Camlen's face dropped, looking somber at the mention of Bri. "About her...what I was trying to say. It-It wasn't all your fault."

How generous of him not to lay _all_ of the blame on her, she thought to say, but she held her tongue, letting him finish.

"It was that shem Cassius. She wouldn't have thought about leaving if he hadn't shown up."

She wondered how he could be so confident of that. Him, whose own father left the clan to go back to the city alienage where he came from, his mother following him and choosing to leave their son behind, to never be heard from again.

"You're certain of that?" she asked, probing, the question out of her mouth before she could stop it.

He eyed her suspiciously. "Why would I not be?"

Her gaze never faltered from him, firmly stating, "Because you wouldn't have distanced yourself from her as you did if you were. Because you knew her well enough to know she wouldn't have been so easily swayed unless she already had the idea to leave floating around in her head."

He crossed his arms, taking on a defensive posture. "And how do you figure that?"

"Because that's part of why I was upset with her, too." Creators, it was still difficult to think about, let alone say outloud.

"You think you know me so well?"

"Well, you did say I was overconfident. You're right; I am where it counts."

She half-expected him to lash out at her again; it's what he had done before. And she admittedly would have deserved it for being unable to help herself from needling him.

Then she noticed the way his shoulders began to subtly deflate, the harsh expression on his face diminishing ever slightly, his eyes slowly filling with melancholy and regret.

"She'd begun to talk about wanting something more," he finally admitted. "Wanting freedom from daily life of the clan, to live for herself. I told her she was being ridiculous. And after I accused her of being selfish, she stopped saying anything. I thought that was the end of it."

He paused. "I was angry. I wanted to hate her, for putting the clan in danger, for what happened to Master Sorvel. I didn't see what she did as any different from what my parents did. I tried so hard to…but then…”

“Then?” Ellana asked, guiding him when he seemed to trail off, as if unable to continue.

It took a moment before he responded again, a brief flash of pain appearing in his eyes. “Then I pulled her body out of that water. It made me realize I still loved her. That I’d always love her, no matter what. So yes, I blame the shem. I even blame you. But I also blame myself for not being what she needed when she needed it. As she'd been for me."

Ellana sat in shocked silence, such raw honesty and self-reflection from him a rarity in all the time they had known each other.

"I shouldn't have acted like you didn't care. I know how much you did. Still do." She thought back to his words at the house ruins. "You were hurting, just as much as I was. And I didn't even see it."

"Would you have wanted to?"

She avoided responding to that by taking another sip of soup, knowing what the answer would be. Camlen looked unsurprised by the lack of response.

He turned, facing away from her, towards the opening of the tent. She was about to ask if he saw something, when he said, "It didn't seem to matter as much, that I'd lost my best friend. But you...everyone wanted to make it up to you, take care of you. I understood why; you're her sister, you were torn up about it. But it didn't make it easier to accept. And if anything happens to the clan, you'll have that support again. I'll have no one."

She stared thoughtfully up at him, at learning these things she should have seen but chose to ignore. "My soldiers know what's at stake. I trust them to ensure nothing like that happens."

Camlen shifted his feet around, tapping at his belt, almost as if he was uncomfortable at having opened himself up to Ellana as much as he had. "So...what happens now?"

"You can go back to Wycome. I won't try to convince you to stay and keep looking for the token. I realize your place is back with the clan. As it should be."

He studied her carefully. "And you? What is _your_ place?"

She tapped the edge of the bowl before finally setting it aside. That certainly was the question, wasn’t it? Had been since she’d accepted the role of Inquisitor and begun a relationship with Blackwall. Prior to the Conclave, if anyone had asked her, she would replied without hesitation that it was with the clan. Life with them was all she'd known, all she ever thought she needed. Even up to the closing of the Breach and the destruction of Haven, she had imagined herself returning to the clan once things had settled down and a means was discovered for removing the Mark from her hand, despite her growing feelings for Blackwall, despite knowing that this experience had forever changed her.

Being Inquisitor now meant she was entirely committed to the organization she led. She couldn’t abandon it while it was still active. And Blackwall…she _couldn’t_ leave him either. Keeper Deshanna would expect her to commit entirely to the clan if she returned. And that just wasn’t possible anymore. Whatever feelings of missing home had been awoken inside her at seeing Camlen again, whatever fondness and familial feelings she still carried for members of the clan, things had changed too much to go back to the way they were.  

"For the moment, it's with the Inquisition," she finally answered.

"And your shem?"

"You can call him by his name,” she stated firmly at his disapproving tone. “And, yes, it is with Blackwall."

She thought he might start up another argument about it, accuse her of abandoning the clan, which would then lead them into an argument about why he could’ve loved Bri despite her seeing herself outside of the clan, yet not accepting Ellana doing the same. But all he said, with matter-of-factness, was, "The Keeper might not approve of this. She wasn't happy when she found out. A lot of us weren't."

Just as she feared. She knew members of the clan who had begrudged Bri before may do so when they heard about her relationship with Blackwall, think her selfish for it. But the Keeper...even though Ellana predicted what she might say, Ellana still foolishly hoped she'd be more approving. She hated the thought of the Keeper being displeased with her, the woman who had become like a mam to her. Ellana did not think her so unreasonable she would present her with an ultimatum of choosing a relationship with the clan or Blackwall once her time as Inquisitor had run its course. The worst she feared would happen is the Keeper would be unhappy that she’d no longer have a First (with no Second to call on), and not approve of it. Didn’t mean that wouldn’t hurt, though.

But she would just have to make clear to the Keeper, to everyone, that her feelings for Blackwall ran too deep now. To the point she was determined to aid and work in finding a cure for the Calling. And if that day should still come, she would only then accept his loss, and decide whether she would be able to resume her place with the clan.  

But until then, she would not let him go. For anything.

"And what will you say, Camlen?"

He didn't quite look her in the eye as he ground out, reluctantly, "I'll figure something out."

It was honestly the best she could hope from him. She was under no illusions that one conversation would be enough to sway his opinion of her. But if he didn't speak negatively about their relationship to the Keeper, she would take this small victory. "Ma serannas."

Slight resentment appeared in his eyes, as if blaming her for placing him in this position. "Just so we’re clear. I'm not doing it for you, Ellana. Any of this."

"I know." The only reason why he would. There was nothing more she could ask of him. "Give my love to Marelwyn. And Neras and the children. To everyone." She then remembered her promise of a note. "Can you wait another few moments while I write to Athros and Noranni?"

"Not too long. I need to be on my way." He turned, half-way out the tent, when he spun back around to face her. "I regret we couldn't find it."

She picked up the slightest bit of remorse in his voice, and it heartened her to know that he did actually feel the token’s loss as she did. "Me too."

Once he left, she scrambled around for some parchment and quill. In her search, she came upon the rolled up parchment containing the confession Dorian had given her, reminding her she’d have to take care of that later, too.

Using the back of Blackwall's shield as a firm surface to write on, it didn't take long to write the note, the words coming more easily than she thought. She asked the twins how they were doing, whether they were looking forward to their new brother or sister, a bit of the exciting things she had been up. Let them know she hadn't forgotten about them, apologizing for not writing more, and reassuring them she'd continue to do her best to protect them. As she stuffed the parchment into the envelope, a thought came to her. Grabbing for another piece, she quickly jotted down another note.

Two envelopes in hand now, she put her cloak back on and stepped out of the tent. Cold, but not nearly as frigid as the day before, noting the piles of snow and newly paved paths from the fresh snowfall. She spotted Camlen grabbing for the reins of the Inquisition horse he was being lended.

"I have the note," she said, handing the envelopes to him.

"What's this?" he asked, thumbing the second.

"In case you can't think of anything to say to the Keeper." Nothing long, just explaining the rumors were true about her and Blackwall. That she was sorry she didn’t tell her sooner, that she would tell her more after the situation in Wycome died down, answer her questions, even welcome a visit to Skyhold if the Keeper so wished.

He placed the envelopes in his satchel. Then they stared at each other, back in that uncertain silence as when he had entered the tent.

"I suppose this is it."

"Suppose so," he said.

She wondered how hard he'd push himself to get back, what he'd find when he did. For all their sakes, she hoped the Free Marcher armies hadn't advanced on Wycome yet.

"If anything should happen," she said with an air of tentativeness, "there's a place for you. At Skyhold."

If there was one thing she had learned, it was that no one should have to face such hardship alone. And regardless of their tumultuous relationship over the years, she would not subject him to that if she had a way to stop it. Bri wouldn’t have wanted that.  

He looked at her with surprise, then gave her a nod of acknowledgment, which was more than she thought he’d give at the idea. “Try not to get yourself killed.”

“I’ll do my best.” Not wanting to take up any more of his time, she patted the horse and said, "Dareth shiral, Camlen."

He replied with a parting nod. "Dareth shiral."

She watched as Camlen lead the horse up the stone steps, then hoisted himself onto the saddle. She continued to stare in that direction even when he disappeared from view, until Sera appeared beside her, head wrap no longer around her.

"That piss-pot leave?"

"If you mean Camlen, then yes. He just did."

"Good riddance, I say. Heard he caused more problems than solved them. So, had no luck out there, finding your sister's token-thingy?"

"Unfortunately, yes."

"I could still look for it for you. Need a break from being stuffed up in a tent, anyhow."

Ellana couldn’t help the flare of hope rising within her at Sera’s offer, even though she knew she shouldn’t. Nor did she want to be responsible for causing a set-back in Sera’s recovery. "You're sure you'd be up for it? How's your head feeling?"

"Ah, I'm fine," she said, waving it off. "Nothing's spinning anymore."

"Just make sure to still take it easy. And maybe bring someone along with you, just in case."

"You worry too much, you know that, right, Ellana?"

Something Bri would have said. Did say. On multiple occasions. And the thought pushed against the calm stoicism that had come over her, threatening to bring it and her emotions down with her again, that Bri and now most likely her token were lost to her forever.

It wasn't working. Shoving it all down, refusing to tell anyone else or talk about it. She couldn't lose control like that again. But she wasn't ready to tell everyone, for everyone in her inner circle to know and ask questions about it, want to help her through it as she did with their problems.

Her gaze wandered until it landed on Blackwall, sitting by the fire and mindlessly whittling away on a block of wood. The man rarely seemed idle or content with being still, always having to do something.

If she was to tell anyone, she knew he had to be first. He was the one she trusted the most, given her heart to. And she had wanted to tell him. She had wanted him to know why she avoided talking about Bri's death. To know why she still carried the guilt around with her like a weight permanently chained to her body. To know that a part of her would always believe she was responsible for what happened, regardless of what anyone said. She just could never bring herself to do it before.

Perhaps it was finally time.

There had always been that barrier between them, not knowing about the other's past. She had always been accepting of it, even if she was entirely baffled by what could have happened that was so terrible he refused to talk about it, even if she sometimes wondered why he couldn’t open up to her when he clearly trusted her with _his_ heart. But she had avoided pushing because of what she had been holding back.

She didn't expect him to reveal all right away. But through her taking the first step, showing that she trusted him to know everything about her past, including the worst of what it had to offer, it could lead him to doing the same. And they could help each other finally heal those old wounds. Together.

Decision made, Ellana strode purposefully over to him. She took a steadying breath, coming up to him with a gentle hand on his shoulder. He looked up at her, asking her what she needed, if something was the matter, likely noticing the resolved look on her face.

"There's something I need to tell you."

* * *

_She had shut herself away from the clan for three days now. Except for the Keeper, who had only been successful in barely getting her to eat, barely getting her to drink, barely getting her to sleep. All Ellana could do was replay that whole conversation with Bri in her head. The look on Bri's face when Ellana told her to go. She couldn't get the words out of her head. She had made her sister feel unwanted. She had made her sister feel unloved, when all she had needed was a shoulder to cry on. Her older sister's shoulder, who should have been there to comfort and support her._

_Why did she have to get so angry? Why had she let her temper get the better of her, especially with Bri, especially after what had happened? Why hadn't she just listened to what Bri had wanted to say instead of jumping all over her like that?_

_Now Bri was dead. She had failed Bri. She had failed Mam and Father._

_The Keeper had ruled what happened to Bri an accident. It made her ill, the thought of Bri's final moments. How afraid she must have been as she fell, how she had been all alone._

_And it was all her fault._

_"Ellana. Da'len, you need to eat something."_

_She did not turn at the Keeper's voice to face her. She couldn't._

_Crunching footsteps approached her, hearing the rustle of fabric against the ground. "Shutting yourself away will not bring her back, da'len."_

_Maybe. But the Keeper hadn’t given Ellana a better reason not to. How could she face those who had shunned Bri and move on like nothing had happened, as the Keeper expected her to? But how could anyone of her clan fathom looking up to **her** as their First now, knowing that she caused Bri's death?_

_She caught rustling beside her, as the Keeper moved to crouch on the ground. "You cannot blame yourself for what befell Brianya."_

_"She wouldn't have been there if it wasn't for me," she said, voice small and hoarse after three days of little use, of crying._

_"You cannot know that for sure."_

_"I told her to leave. That if she was so desperate to get out that she could just go. And she did."_

_And she would never forgive herself for it._

_"I know it's hard, da'len. But you have to find a way to continue on."_

_That finally had her looking at the Keeper through narrowed eyes, that she would dare to act like it was so simple. How could she just simply move forward from something like this, live the rest of her life knowing that her sister didn't have to die?_

_"What would you know about it? You never had a sister; you don't know what it's like!"_

_She was almost glad for it, the anger, the raging fire suddenly flaring inside her. That meant feeling something other than absolute hollowness. But hearing herself lash out the Keeper only made her think about yelling at Bri. It brought angry tears to her eyes, the dam starting to crack._

_"Ir abelas, Keeper...ir abelas," she said, her voice choking on the apology._

_She might have been successful, at keeping the tears from falling. If the Keeper hadn't put a gentle arm around her shoulders, clasped her close in a way so similar to how her mam had done as a child. Ellana buried her face into the Keeper's shoulder, the comforting earth and herbal smells hitting her, the sobs building in her throat._

_"It's my fault...it's my fault..."_

_"No. It was an accident, da'len. Nothing more." She rocked her. "A tragic accident."_

_Ellana gave into it, the Keeper's presence and hold on her the release she needed. And the Keeper let her get it all out, didn't say anything in an attempt to make things better. Just rubbing her arm up and down, rocking her. Eventually, the sobs died down to sniffling and whimpers until she was finally able to calm herself and lifted her face off the Keeper's shoulder, her eyes sore and red from the effort of crying again._

_"Better?" the Keeper asked, wiping away a stray tear from her cheek._

_Ellana nodded. She wasn't, really. But the release was better than feeling so hollow._

_The Keeper then wrapped her other arm around Ellana, lifting her up with her as the Keeper stood. "Come. Let's get you supper."_

_Ellana vigorously shook her head. "I'm not ready to face them. I can't."_

_The Keeper sighed, her hands journeying to her shoulders. "Da'len, there's never going to be an easy time." She tipped Ellana's head back towards her when she tried to look away. "I won't make you take up your duties just yet. Nor will I make you eat with everyone. Marelwyn has already agreed that you could eat with her until you're ready. I would never stop you from grieving. But you have to try and get back to a more normal routine."_

_"I...I don't know that I can."_

_"No one ever said coping with loss such as this would be easy. But all you can do is try. Can you try for me, da'len?"_

_She knew the Keeper was just looking out for her, doing her best towards her to make her feel better. She should feel grateful; she **was**. But she still didn't know how to stop herself from feeling like her entire world had been upended, that she now struggled to comprehend a world without Bri in it. She honestly didn't know how she would ever recover from this. _

_Ellana’s gaze fell away from the Keeper’s, unable to give her answer. Finally the Keeper took pity on her, letting her head go with a sigh. “Come, then. Marelwyn is waiting for you."_

_Ellana let herself be lead out of the tent by the Keeper. She felt a tad unsteady on her feet after three days of little use, but trusted the Keeper to hold onto her if she buckled. The light was starting to dim with the sun plateauing over the forest ridge, gentle on her eyes which had grown accustomed to the muted light of the tent. As the Keeper said, Marelwyn was sitting beside the tent she shared with Neras, a plate of what appeared to be deer and carrots in her lap._

_She hopped up upon seeing Ellana, immediately encasing her in a hug. "Ellana...how are you doing today?"_

_"A bit better," the Keeper thankfully answered for her. "I have to check and make sure things are progressing for the service tomorrow." The Keeper squeezed her shoulder. "Make sure you eat slowly, da'len. You've hardly eaten the past, few days."_

_Ellana was about to ask what service the Keeper was talking about, but it hit her as she walked away and Marelwyn offered up her place to sit that it had to be Bri's service. The Keeper had mentioned it to her when she had come to check on her earlier in the day._

_The tremors rippled through her face, making great effort to prevent the lump from growing in her throat, a heavy feeling settling in the pit of her stomach, eyes stinging with a seemingly endless flow of tears. A few fell before she could recover herself, shielding her face from Marelwyn's view._

_"Abelas..." She roughly ran a hand across her face. "I'm sure this is the last thing you want to be doing right now, looking after me."_

_Marelwyn laid her hand over Ellana's. "You and Bri helped me so much when my mam died. I want to do the same for you." She then held out the plate, with some hesitation. "Do you think you can...or do you need more time?"_

_More time. Wasn't everything about more time? More time to take before she ate. More time to take and grieve Bri's loss. More time she wished she had with her sister. More time she wished she had spent not lecturing her or making her feel taken for granted, but showing her how much Ellana loved her._

_But that time was gone, she thought. As the Keeper said, there was never going to be an easy one. She had to start somewhere, right?_

_Ellana took the plate from Marelwyn's outstretched hand._


	10. -10-

**-10-**

She never seemed so small and vulnerable.

Blackwall had seen her tired, stressed, worried, unsure. But now, propped up in his arms, tear streaks still running down her face and her cheek pressed into his shoulder, she didn't look at all like the Inquisitor or Herald. She looked like someone who felt an unendurable pain, one she could never recover from.

And now he finally understood why.

Now that she had finally told him, what happened to her sister. All those times she refused to say anything after waking up from a nightmare, shutting down any further prodding from others about her death.

It was because she believed herself responsible.

He couldn't imagine Ellana being like she described. He had seen her angry, but to lash out at her sister like she said she did, who already felt awful and guilty about what had happened? Ellana would never do that now. Something she clearly knew.

It made him ill. Not because of her. But because of the human who caused all the trouble. Cassius the mercenary. The lives he'd damaged, all from a simple act of greed, of being offered good coin. No different than what Thom Rainier had done. Rainier may not have sold anyone into slavery, but Blackwall couldn’t honestly say whether he wouldn’t have if the price had been right. He hadn’t been above taking jobs where he’d been someone’s muscle to intimidate their enemies, accepted bribes, smuggled unsavory people out of cities. And this was before he’d been hired to assassinate Callier. But unlike Cassius, he had escaped justice. Maker, if Ellana knew, saw that same similarity...would it repulse her?

Of course it would, he thought to himself. Why wouldn't it? It was part of the reason he couldn't tell her in the first place. The look of disgust on her face would have been too much to bear.  

She had finally calmed down, having given into the wave of tears after getting to the part when she had discovered her sister was dead. He couldn't imagine what it must have felt like, to have thought they'd found her sister, only to discover her dead body and Ellana thinking herself responsible. He thought back to when Liddy died. He never saw her body. He’d left her bedside to bring her some flowers, hoping to cheer her up. By the time he came back, she had already been taken away. He had been angry about it at the time, not understanding why he couldn't see her, say goodbye. But looking back on it, he was thankful his younger self had been spared the sight of finding her body. He wished Ellana had been spared that pain. It made him truly understand why she’d be so desperate to find her sister’s token, and it made him wonder how far he’d be willing to go to get something of Liddy’s back. Something told him he would have done whatever it took, too.

He hated seeing Ellana like this. She deserved to be happy, to be smiling and laughing. He wasn't sure if knowing about her sister made things easier, gave a better idea of what to say to make it better. He had always been bollocks at this type of thing. And he wasn't certainly one to give advice on how to deal with guilt.

He wiped a thumb along a tear streak. Ellana looked up at him with grateful eyes. He tried once again to think of something to say, though he wasn't sure what would be sufficient enough.

But she beat him to it. "I'm sorry. I was afraid this would happen; I was hoping it wouldn't."

It took Blackwall a moment to realize she was talking about her breaking down. He kissed her gently on the head. "It's alright. There's no shame in it."

She sent him a watery smile. "I haven't talked about it, in a long time. I’d thought for awhile I had dealt with it. Been able to put it behind me. But it's never left me."

Blackwall decided it was better to just let her talk, get everything out she felt she needed to.

"I've thought back to that day, so many times I've lost count. What she wanted to say to me. What I should have said differently. What I should have done. And I know I can't. But I’ve never stopped. I can never forget."

She sighed, pushing herself off his shoulder, fidgeting with her hands, then tracing the Mark with the tips of her fingers. "When people look at me, they see the Herald of Andraste, the Inquisitor, who can perform miracles, who can save them from the chaos around them. But how can I protect those people, when I couldn't even keep my own sister safe?"

He guided her head so it faced him, hand cupped under her jaw, feeling more on solid ground, talking about things he knew with certainty. "You _have_ protected them. You stopped the demon army, brought stability back to Orlais. There's no else I'd trust leading us than you."

"One mistake cost me so much," she admitted, a tremble in her voice. "I'm terrified of making that one mistake again. Will it be Thedas that suffers? My clan? My friends? You?"

He pressed his forehead to hers. "It'll take more than some darkspawn magister and its pawns to keep me apart from you, Ana. Even if it's just the two of us left, fighting against the world."

She sent him a sad smile, the opposite reaction he hoped she'd have. "Something more like your Calling."

He started at that, not expecting such a drastic change in topic, especially to _that_ topic in particular. Before he could ask what brought this on, she placed a hand over his chest.

"I don't know if he told you, but Alistair said the Hero of Ferelden's working on finding a cure. I want to help support her efforts."

That knowledge took his breath away, twisting his stomach into knots, not knowing how to react. "My lady, I..."

She placed a finger on his lips to silence him. "I understand, that it may be pointless in the end. That we may still only have a few years. If we can't...just...promise me you'll still tell me. When you start hearing it. So I can go with you. To say goodbye."

What could he say? It'd be useless to tell her "no." Knowing her, she'd still find a way to come with him. To see him off to a Calling he didn't really hear.

Doing as he always did, he put such worries about how to address that aside, simply saying, "I promise."

Looking relieved, she leaned in to kiss him. Slowly, as if wanting to savor the taste and feel of him. He slid his tongue between her lips, wanting the same. Only reluctantly did he pull away, inhaling a deep breath of cold air. Ellana resumed her position resting her head against his shoulder.

"We should probably head back. Sooner we leave here, the better."

"You don't want to stay another day, continue searching?" he asked with some surprise.

"Another quick pass-through around the river, I think. But we can't delay anymore," she said, though she sounded as if she desperately wanted to. But the dutiful part of her was clearly back in control. "I already told Camlen he could leave."

"Thought I saw him. Can't say I'm sorry to see him go."

"Did he give you two any trouble?"

"No more than to you. He's got a sharp tongue."

Ellana let out a laugh at that. "He certainly does." Her expression then softened slightly. "But he's not a bad man. Despite our tense relationship, I know he genuinely cares about the clan, and his family. He'd do anything for them."

"And your sister?"

"He loved her. Still does."

He thought back to the prior night, when Camlen had said he understood about not wanting to let things go. "The ribbon on his bow...?"

"One of Bri's," she said, confirming his hunch. "I was furious when I found out he took it without my permission. Not that I probably would've given it to him even if he’d asked. But the Keeper made me let him have it."

Speaking of her Keeper, that reminded him of what Camlen had brought up, about whether she would approve of their relationship, how much of an issue it would be if she, or Ellana’s clan in general, didn’t. But Blackwall wasn’t sure this was something he wanted to bring up, not after the stressful day Ellana had had.

However, Ellana then looked at him, unease crossing her face.  As if able to read his mind, she said, “I don’t know if Camlen told you…about the Keeper or the clan approving of us…”

“He said enough.” He couldn’t help running a thumb over the worry line of her brow, which had become more pronounced at his words. “Did you really never tell any of them? About us?” he asked, trying to keep his voice as level as possible. He didn’t want to make her feel bad about it, even if he didn’t understand why she hadn’t.

"I was waiting for the right opportunity. But I should've, so they could hear it from me, not second-hand rumors."

"We've never talked about it before; will I... _us_ be a problem for you?"

"Possibly. There’ll likely be some who won’t approve, regardless. And the Keeper might have concerns,” she said with a sigh. “I've invited her to Skyhold, once the issue with the Free Marchers is dealt with. The Keeper's not an unreasonable woman. It's possible things could go well."

"And if they don't?"

"Hopefully it won't come to that." She cupped his cheek, stroking her thumb along it. "But if it does, she'll just have to accept the choice I've made, even if she or the clan don't approve."

His heart felt like a knife had been taken to it, with it being slowly worked and twisted as it slowly bled to death. The absolute devotion and certainty had been practically ringing in her voice and now could be seen so clearly on her face. She _would_ go through potentially being shunned by her Keeper, her clan, people she had been with nearly all her life, for _him_.  

Maker, what more hurt would he inevitably cause to her? She had already suffered enough in her life without finding out that she loved a lie.

If he was any bit of a good and decent man, he would tell her now. Get down on his knees and beg for forgiveness as he told her the truth, what and who he truly was, fully expecting not to receive it. But he couldn't make himself do it at the Storm Coast and he couldn't now. He was selfish. So selfish. No matter how hard he had tried, he still didn't deserve her.

"Hey, Quizzy! Beardy! Looky what I found!"

Both turned to see Sera practically sprinting towards them, Dorian attempting to follow close behind. Hope rose within him at the excited look on Sera’s face, and he could see that same hope on Ellana’s. Then Sera stopped just short of them, holding out her hand. He heard Ellana's breath hitch at the sight of the very thing they had been searching for. Still a bit snow covered, but otherwise her sister's circular halla token lay in Sera's hand undamaged.

"Where...where did...?"

"Near that bridge by the frozen waterfall," Dorian offered, looking just as relieved that they had been able to find it. "She made it seem so effortless."

"Like I told you, I'm _real_ good at finding things."

Blackwall had never seen Ellana hug anyone faster than she did Sera. He couldn't help but smile at seeing one reappear on Ellana’s face, exactly where it should belong. He'd be just as grateful to Sera for it.

"Sera, I can't even...ma ser-thank you. Thank you so much," she said through tears.

"Aww, c'mon, you. No getting all mushy on me." But Sera accepted the hug, giving her a few friendly pats on the back, her own smile spreading on her face. "Just didn't want to see you being all dreary and droopy. Beardy's enough."

"Thanks for that, Sera."

She stuck her tongue out at Blackwall in reply.

"Now, as much as I enjoy all the snow and red lyrium, is it too much hope that our business is done here?" Dorian asked.

"Yes, please!"

It took Ellana a moment to reply, cupping the token in her hand, as if it was the most precious thing in the world. Composing herself, she said, "Yes. Camlen found the lady's ring yesterday, and I need to deliver that confession. And since Sera seems to be feeling better, we can be on our way."

"Confession, my lady?"

"One of the villagers in Sahrnia apparently wrote a confession while he was held captive by the red templars. Turns out he accidentally killed his wife's brother. So we could either give it to him. Or his wife." Dorian pointedly looked at Ellana once he finished speaking. The decision was clearly up to her.

Ellana took a moment to ponder over it, her eyes revealing the gears turning over in her mind. Finally, she said, "I'll give it back to him. He should be the one to tell her, in his own time. I've learned the hard way about trying to force things out of people."

She looked over at Blackwall as she said it. At first, it seemed like she was referring to her sister. It wasn't until Dorian agreed with the decision and Sera urged them to hurry on so they could leave, and they began to walk away that the thought came to him.

Blackwall knew now. The one thing she refused to talk about. Trusted him with that knowledge.

What if she expected him to do the same?

It probably wouldn't happen right away. But after awhile, would she begin to subtlety press him?  And when he refused those times, or offered vague details, would she be more forceful? Would she seriously begin to wonder why he was so reluctant to tell her? Would she begin to resent him for it? Would that ultimately be the wedge that drives them apart, not the "Calling" or her clan?

Maker's balls, what a fucking mess.

He didn't realize he had frozen in place, had fallen behind the others. Until Ellana reached out to him, shaking his shoulder. "Everything alright, vhenan?"

He laid his hand over hers, tugging it up so he could briefly kiss her knuckles, making every effort to conceal any hint of such thoughts from his face. "Everything's fine, love."

Yet another lie.

As he made his way back to the camp, he could feel the noose around him again, never felt it so strongly since the early days he had been on the run.

He didn't know if he'd be able to shake it off this time.

* * *

 

_Ellana wasn't certain she would be able to make it through the ceremony without falling to her knees, sobbing hysterically, until nothing but dry heaves were left. Not after she had helped the Keeper clean and dress Bri for the ceremony. But it helped to have Marelwyn and Neras right beside her to prevent her from collapsing, to hold her hands after she had placed the oak staff in Bri's. Reminded her she didn't have to get through the ceremony alone._

_Now the service was over. She stood alone over Bri's gravesite, the tiny limb and branches of the newly planted tree over top it. She felt like she should say something, a final farewell before she left her sister behind forever. But she didn't know what she could say. What would be adequate enough to convey how sorry she was? How much she regretted her last words? Creators, if she'd had known the last time she'd see Bri alive, she would have taken it all back, told her how much she still loved her, no matter what Bri did or wanted. But then maybe Bri would still be alive._

_She stared up at the afternoon sky, with fluffy white clouds decorating the blue sky, sunshine poking through. It wasn't right. To have such a beautiful sunny day, when there was nothing beautiful or sunny about burying her sister._

_If she couldn't say anything, she should sing for her. She knew she should. She should have been the one to sing at the service as she did for Mam, but she couldn't trust herself to keep her voice from breaking in front of everyone. But she could try now._

_"Melava inan enasal...ir-ir su araval tu elvaral."_

_She squeezed Bri's token, the wooden edges digging into her palm. She’d thought to bury it with Bri; she should have. But when the time came, Ellana couldn’t bear to part with it, the only thing left to remember Bri by._

_"U na emma abelas. In elgar sa vir mana. In-in tu sethe-sethener-sethener..."_

_The hot tears welled and trickled down her face to her lips, their salty taste lingering, her voice fading away as if stolen from her. She didn't know if she could even finish. How much more of a failure could she be?_

_It wasn't fair. Any of it. Bri didn't deserve to die like that, alone and feeling rejected. Ellana kept going back to it, wondering why had she done it, lashed out like she did. Whatever hurt she felt, why had she unnecessarily piled onto the hurt, the guilt, and the misery Bri was feeling instead of being supportive? As much as she’d found fault in other members of the clan who hadn’t –particularly Camlen who she couldn’t even look at without feeling hot anger churning inside her – whatever satisfaction she got at many of those same people showing sympathy and expressing apologies…it couldn’t take away from the fact that Ellana’s support should have been the loudest, that **hers** would have meant the most. _

_She wiped away the tears, taking a few, deep breaths to steady herself before continuing to sing, "In tu setheneran din emma na."_

_She struggled to keep her voice level as she sang the rest of the verses, yet she was determined to finish the song. It was the least she could do to honor Bri. It was with a sigh of relief that she reached the last one._

_"Melana 'nehn enasal ir sa lethalin..."_

_Time will again be the joy it once was._

_She didn't see how it could be. Not being woken up to Bri's flurrying or bouncing around. Not watching Bri dance around the campfire or train. Not making flower crowns or spotting pictures in the stars. Not listening to her make up stories. Not having her little sister by her side anymore._

_She didn't know if she'd ever be ready to step away from her gravesite. But Ellana knew. Her place was with the clan, as its First. She couldn't stand there forever, waiting for the ground to swallow her whole so she could be with Bri forever, no matter how much she wanted it to. It would be hard, to accept the fact that her sister's time had passed, to believe anything other than she was responsible for it. But she had no other choice except to try._

_She got down on her knee, kissing her palm and laying it over the soil. "Ar lath ma, Bri. Var elgara."_

_With as much strength as she could muster, she stood. Taking in one final look to ingrain in her memory for the rest of her life, she turned and began to walk away, willing herself not to look back. And there, waiting by the trees, was the Keeper, watching over her, ready to guide her back to the camp and prepare for their next journey. And Ellana let the Keeper lead her away, clutching her sister's token in her hand._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who left kudos, commented, and read my story. And again, many thanks to thievinghippo for all her wonderful beta work! :)


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